Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year

Ah yes, 2005: The Year When everyone was still listening to the music from 2004. The very same music that one year ago made me long for the return of rap metal. I'm so tired of Green Day, Arcade Fire, The Killers, Jack Johnson, Panic!At the Disco....I get it, you recorded a "concept album"/ have violins/ have a good haircut / are the new Dave Matthews / look like 12 year olds who robbed a wig store. Great. Call me old fashioned, but I preferred the simplicity of a live Kid Rock performance. He relied on a skilled band, comprised of midgets and prostitutes, instead of relying on trends or gimmicks. It was about his music. He didn't have to be from Montreal, or feature a-tonal singing in order to gain success. Instead he came out of Detroit, a relative dead zone for music, and sang about his awesomeness. That's something I can get behind. While it's true that Kid Rock will likely be relegated to Rap-Metal infamy, is that such a bad thing? Unlike emotional screaming rock, and indie rock and roll, rap-metal isn't simply a buzz word used to sell ugly people's music. It has a rich history of cultural and political importance.

For instance, how lame would the movie Judement Night have been if it weren't for the hauntingly powerful pieces recorded by collaborations between Slayer & Ice-T, Onyx & Biohazard, and Faith No More & Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. Oh, and Helmet & House of Pain too.

Without rap-metal, Woodstock 99's passionate fires and parisian-style rioting might have been nothing more than a sleepy crowd holding up lighters while Peter Gabriel played an extended version of "Biko".

Without rap-metal, bands like Korn wouldn't have been able to rise to glory, then fall into obscurity, only to attempt a comeback by placing popular hip-hop performers in their video and letting them talk over most of the song.

Without rap-metal, the world would be without Fred Durst. And that would just be a shame.

Fortunately, despite the overwhelming amount of garbage released this year, there were some bright spots: Madonna, Rick Moranis, Willie Nelson, etc. And shining brightly above them all, are the performers of Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year Award.

Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year Award Winner: MY HUMPS by the Black Eyed Peas

My Humps is a brilliant satire of current pop music. Its video combines thought provoking lyrics with powerful imagery to illustrate the floundering state of the music industry. Stacey Ferguson's portrayal of the pseudo-empowered objectified woman is bang on, while Will I Am's performance is both unsettling and relatable. A strong song, coupled with an even stronger video makes this the hands down choice for song of the year. Also, it's really awesome when you're wasted.
RUNNER UP: R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet parts 1-infinity. If he keeps making them, I'll keep watching.

Cheese is the new wine

So my aunt, uncle and cousins came over the other day and we ate a large assortment of cheeses. my parents went out and bought a whole ton of french cheeses. They also made a joke that we're eating with saints cause they all came from places like St. Charlemagne or something. I then make the quip... if cheese is the new wine lets all get WHEY-STEAD

a large groan filled the room. i plan to write a song about it.

I would also like to mention two new TKS songs i've written recently. One is called "My Name Is Dave." It's about me and how i write kick ass music and don't need to care about rhyming.
The second is called "You can always count on your friends, cause there the ones who will be there in the end."
Its a song with a message. The message is about rain forest depletion.

Good life and happiness.
day-ve

I don't mind you shooting at me, Frank, but take it easy on the Baccardi

Yeah, so Snackmas 2005 is not off to a thunderous beginning. There are several factors:

A) I'm sick - I've been busy either making or eating soup.
B) I'm in Peterborough - Aside from inducing depression, it also sucks for Christmas shopping.
C) I went to Oshawa - The only place worse than Peterborough that isn't Windsor is Oshawa. They have a huge mall where I was able to purchase 1/2 of my desired gifts, but it was still unpleasant. I have never seen anyone smile in Oshawa.
D) I'm pretty lazy - Too lazy to elaborate.
E) Still in Peterborough - And can't post any songs. Probably because they aren't beat poetry.

Anyway, my cold is slightly improved and I have smelled enough diesel fumes this morning to put anyone in a good mood. To celebrate, here is easily one of the best (novelty) songs of the year! It's called Going Camping by Parry Gripp. Since Dave and I started playing again at the end of second year, I made it my goal to try to emulate Nerf Herder in every manner possible. I figured that since they broke up it was no biggie. Then their lead singer starts releasing WAY better novelty songs than any human being could have ever imagined, let alone anticipated. He also starting doing a "Review of the Day" for his website promoting his album of product jingles "For those about to shop, We salute you". I'd like to say he was ripping off Movie Review but considering we had been covering "Do you like Waffles" for a year, we decided to call it even. Oh, and by the way, the original line up of Nerf Herder is back together and working on a new CD. Good news for us, as there will soon be another album of songs to rip off.

In other news, we have a MySpace page now. I don't really get the purpose of it, but I figure it's another place where we can host songs. Oh, and in the spirit of Christmas I'm going to give people some junk I don't want- Our First CD! In a day or two, I'll post every track from The Quintessential (3 years...4 songs) including Chris got a Blender for Christmas, my most hated and now favourite khaki snack song. I also found a lot of other good stuff like drunk Provan playing a song about me on a webcam in first year. It's (sort of) interesting, alright!
Finally, in the spirit of festivus, please post comments about all the ways we've disspointed you in this past year.

Giggles and Kisses,
Derek

You had me at Dog poop....

Ok i have a few old stories to post on here... i've just been too lazy to post. First... you know how i said you should only get a Kris Kringle brand christmas tree... cause (much like apples at halloween) other companies put razor blads into their trees.... WELL, one thursday we were unloading a truck load of *non Kringle* trees from Quebec. So this guy marco tosses a tree off the truck... and you know what falls out.... A BIG HUNTING KNIFE!!!!!!
Seriously... it goes to show you... only buy kringle... and Quebecers want to murder english speakers as a sacrafice to their pagan pine tree gods...

SECONDLY... a few weeks ago i went to my sisters grade 3 class in bowmanville (she's the teacher) to play the role of "Mr. Monkeybars," the head of Playgroundology at Trent University (PLEASE INSERT TRENT JOKE HERE). Essentially the kids had designed playgrounds as a
class project and i had to evaluate them or something. So with extra time left in the class, my sister convinced me to lead her grade 3s in a sing a long. So i thought to myself, what song would be best to do when taking to children... talking about parks... to children... perhaps even about lawn maintenance. So i played CUT THE GRASS... as soon as i started the kids weren't impressed. I mean i've felt the "ewwwww" from crowds before... but never like this....

that is until i hit the words " Dog Poop"... then the kids went INSANE and started running around the class compleatly out of control. Even my sisters "if you can hear my voice clap once" couldn't get thier attention... and let me tell you... when my sister speaks at a slightly lower than normal volume to emphisize that she doesn't raise her voice in class you LISTEN.

anyways... sad to think a bar full of drunken 20 year olds likes childrens music more than children..... khaki snack fails again.....

And so begins...

...The 12 Days of Snackmas.

Over the next 12 days we will offer our reflections back on the months of 2005:Year of the Snack. Sure it was a subpar year for music, at best, but luckily we had a bunch of popes and elections we can talk about. I also plan on posting our very own Year in Review music list, featuring the top 10 songs of the year (in the "novelty music" genre). Tonight I'll kick things off with the first month of the calendar year: January. Fasten your seatbelts and make some nachos, it's party time!

Even regular Bruce Springsteen songs sound like Christmas songs

I think it's because of the bells and horns.

On a related note, it's Christmas time! Christmas is the season that has produced more khaki snack songs than any other. From our first song to have words, "Chris got a Blender for Christmas" to the equally infamous "Chris got a Blender for Christmas part 2: Derek got his ass dumped for Christmas" (later renamed Barnone: Worst Christmas Ever(later renamed Barnone)). The third song in our Christmas trilogy is, of course, the following year's "It's Boxing Week and Everything Must Go!(that includes you)" Despite not really remembering how that one goes, it still counts in my eyes. Here are some potential songs that could arise this year:

-Chris went on a date in Muskoka just before Christmas and it was ok, but got slightly weird when he ran into some high school friends he hadn't seen in a bit
-Derek got Mono for Christmas (and allowed people to call it the kissing disease despite getting it from a half-empty glass of Coke he drank from an empty table at the office Christmas party when nobody was looking)
-It's boxing week and everything must go (including Dave to talk to someone at customs about entering Costa Rica with a one way ticket)
-Chris Kicked Jesus in the face on Christmas (his dog's name is jesus. wait, I guess that's still bad)
-Derek got a skirt for Christmas (because his co-workers saw him use the women's bathroom)

That's all I've got for right now. If you have any suggestions please post them in the comments. In the meantime, stay informed about Dave's Collateral Damage-esque ploy to enter into another country here: Dave and the Art of Motorcycle Repair

Graft vs Host

I wrote a post about cab vouchers, but it's not very funny. Well, there was a Home Alone joke which was kind of funny, but it contained spoilers so I felt I should just take it down. I skied today. I have two jobs. Here is a picture from Halloween. The outfits were pretty last minute.

THE LIBERAL WAR ON CLOCKMAERS

This election season when you're deciding who to give your valuable vote to i'd like you to take a second to consider Canada's valuable clock industry. This week Paul Martin's Liberal government announced a new 2% excess tax on clocks, declaring that clocks excessive and a luxury. Strangely enough, however, the same duty is not levied against watches. So Paul Martin is saying that a diamond encrusted rolex is a necessity, where a simple, efficiently designed clock is a luxury. Now I can understand how Paul Martin and his rich, fat cat, public money stealing friends can't live without their rolex watches, but i don't think this rule applies to most hard working Canadians. In a country that prides itself on its punctuality, and in a government which sits underneath a giant clock, declaring clocks to be a luxury is unfair taxation of the highest degree. So this election season i ask that whenever somebody asks you "what time is it," and you check a nearby clock, you remember that the Liberals think that clock is a luxury and wants to persecute Canada's honest clock makers. It is builders who have always made this country strong and whether they built a railroad or a lovely decorative wall clock, or alternativly import them from china and sell them like the patriots, these builders/importers are what make this country great. So this January join Canada's clock makers and tell the liberals its TIME to change.....




**so far none of the major parties have commented on this important issue**

Sideways is the new Swingers

Calling All Daves

It's that time of year again, when Dave and his girlfriend buy a one way ticket to Costa Rica and move there indefinitely. What does this mean? It means we need a new Dave! You have to be able to sing, play guitar, and tell the same disease-related jokes every week while being better looking than Derek, but not as good looking as Provan. Poor spelling is encouraged.