A Very Khaki Snack Travel Blog

Monday, January 15
aka My Least Favourite Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Recent Memory

6:03 AM- Arrive at Pearson International Airport- Terminal 2.
6:04 AM- I get in line for ticketing.
6:59 AM- Get ticket.
7:00 AM- Get in line for Customs.
7:01 AM- Clear customs. I am asked a total of zero questions. No eye contact is made.
7:02 AM- Get in line for security check.
7:04 AM- I look less suspicious than usual. I clear security.
7:05 AM- Dialogue briefly with security personnel about emptiness of airport, and how smooth things are going. Inadvertently jinx myself. Begin reading.
7:43 AM- Board plane. Aisle seat. All is well. Continue reading.
8:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. Captain says we're waiting for weather to pass. Will update in 15-30 minutes
9:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. First officer says we still must wait for weather to pass and will update in 10 minutes.
10:15 AM- Still on ground. Well past halfway point of book. Captain blames our delay on "society run by lawyers". He says we will return to the gate when one is available.
10:45 AM- No gate available. We must vacate our position on unused runway, so we proceed to some other spot on the tarmac. I realize if I finish this book, I will have nothing to read for the second leg of my flight. I attempt to watch "The Queen" on aisle ceiling- TV screen.
11:01 AM- There is an issue with "The Queen" VHS tape. Begin watching "All The King's Men".
11:04 AM- Continue to watch "All the King's Men", despite poorly recorded VHS and fact that tape was not rewound to the beginning.
11:15 AM- We are brought to an arrival gate, but not allowed to de-plane. "All The King's Men" is rewound to the beginning. Flight attendants provide water in cups.
11:40- People going to Chicago on business for the day only are allowed to leave as they will not make it there in time for a return flight home. We are told all other flights have been cancelled, but that our flight will leave within 30 minutes.
12:10 PM- They lied. First officer announces that we now need to refuel. Unlike previous dilemma, no lawyers are faulted.
12:40 PM- Captain announces we are fueled and ready to go. Announcement coincides with key reveal to "All The King's Men" plot. Back to reading.
1:00 PM- "The Guardian" (feature film) begins.
1:12 PM- Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher lack the chemistry required to keep my attention.
1:30 PM- First officer announces that there is a large de-icing line. Second glass of water served. Brief attempt to sleep.
2:30 PM- We take off. Last chapter of book. I begin to suspect something is "going on" between couple sitting next to me.
2:45 PM- Book finished. Begin to read endnotes section of book. Nothing going on between couple. Girl has air sickness. Possibly on account of turbulence. Possibly due to what "went on".

***** NOTE: From now on, the time will be listed in Central time, as opposed to Eastern, which has been used to this point. ******

3:12 PM- Land in Chicago. Foodless and now bookless.
3:20 PM- Stand in line for "Customer Service" as I have missed my 9:45 AM connection.
3:40 PM- Line-up hasn't progressed. Guy in line describe a recent personal adventure. If it were a newspaper headline it would read "Visiting Businessman 'Accidentally' Orders Pornography" Subheading: "Complains it wasn't even a good one, not his type"
4:34 PM- Arrive at Customer Service Desk. Booked on 10:20 PM flight.
4:36 PM- Paper jam ensues while attempting to print my boarding pass.
4:44 PM- I say nothing while two airline employees try in vain to fix the machine.
4:52 PM- Man, this is a paper jam alright. They claim I can board plane without a ticket, but I'm not one to just walk away from the most exciting paper jam of my young life.
4:56 PM- Jammed paper be damned! I have a ticket. Seating area 2. A small victory in a losing battle.
5:03 PM- Get in line for Chili's.
5:21 PM- Seated at Chili's. Order salad & chicken sandwich.
5:51 PM- Begin digestive process. Chili's was a bad choice.
5:59 PM- Consider buying magazine for light reading. I am discouraged by fact that Maxim and Stuff magazine are behind black plastic case, and grouped with pornography. To avoid looking like airport pornography enthusiast I buy new books instead.
9:32PM- Book 2 finished.
9:33 PM- Begin walking aimlessly. Notice 10:20 flight delayed until 10:55.
10:20 PM- No plane in sight. Continue walking back and forth on moving sidewalks, pretending to skate. Begin to realize delirium is setting in.
10:55 PM- No plane.
11:15 PM- Plane!

At this point I stop looking at time. I am dead on the inside. My attempt to sleep on the plane is thwarted by speaker over head playing "Smack That" during flight.

1:12 AM- Touchdown in Omaha. I decide I need a hotel.
1:20 AM- Minus 21 Celsius. I am alert. I decide to drive.
1:40 AM- Driving was a bad choice.
1:50 AM- Stop at Super 8. Ask for a non-smoking room. Room is provided after brief uncertainty.
1:56 AM- Room inspection. It appears clean. Time for bed.
1:57 AM- Undress to "Sleep Attire"
1:58 AM- Room inspection was rushed. Sheet laden with foreign hair.
1:59 AM- Dress in "Cover every inch of my body, including wearing a toque and gloves" attire 7:42 AM- Co-worker calls. I tell him I'm on my way to work. I'm able to leave immediately since I am already clothed.