khaki snack: real websites are for real bands

Queen's Homecoming

2010-09-14T14:11:00.004-04:00

We're playing at Clark Hall Pub on Friday, September 24, 2010.

celebrating freedom the old fashioned way

2009-06-04T13:14:00.002-04:00

Professional Rock Concert Announcement

2008-06-02T22:06:00.001-04:00

A Very Irish & Political Khaki Snack Christmas IV

2007-12-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

You should come (unless Home Alone 1 or 2 is on TV)

When: December 14, 2007
Where: James Joyce Irish Pub (386 Bloor Street West)
Cost: Free

Tell all your friends and enemies.

I want many many thousands of green people from history times

2007-11-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

NEVERMIND...

Wait- When did I put Greenman on?!

2007-10-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

You are bidding on a Brand New full body Lycra Zentai Catsuit suit Unisex
Texture: Lycra and Spandex
It is in vogue. It is comfortable and durable. You can dress it all the day.
Unisex for male and female, Very attractive and sexy.
Multi thread seam makes suit more durable and beautiful.
Famous brand "YKK" zipper makes the suit more durable.

I just made a very wise decision.

In other news, we're currently trying to schedule A Very Political Khaki Snack Christmas IV.

FRIDAY SET TIME UPDATE

2007-05-29T18:37:00.003-04:00

We are going on first, at 8PM. We'll probably play for about 40 minutes.

NOTE: That's not when doors open. That's when we go on. So stop by on your way home from work or whatever.

UPDATE: Now we're going on at 8:50

LOST SPOILERS

2007-05-29T16:50:00.000-04:00

So we're playing a fundraiser this Friday. I really don't know anything about it. I think there are up to 6 acts. Acts meaning people doing something on stage. If that's the case, I'm guessing we'll play for about 30 minutes? I really have no clue. Maybe Dave knows. All I can say for certain is that the money is going to some sort of cause (ie not to us). So if you like causes and/or you don't like us, then maybe this is an event for you!

As an aside, I love when they have the "Kiss Cam" on the JumboTron at sporting events. There, I said it.

Party Time, Excellent

2007-04-24T16:28:00.000-04:00

Where? O'Grady's Tap and Gril
No, specifically where? 171 College St. (Toronto)
When do the doors open? 9 PM EDT (I think)
Ok, so do you guys go on at 9 PM? Probably more like 10:30-11-ish
Is anyone on before you? Yes: Steve Mckay
Is it free? I think it's $5
Did you guys practice this time? Emailing is the new practicing
Any new songs? Probably (maybe)
Will John Mould be there? According to Facebook, yes, John Mould will be there
Who is John Mould? See above for photo

Reed Johnson's Cleats Feature Ty Cobb's Teeth In Place of Metal Spikes

2007-04-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

we can't escape our common savagery

2007-04-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

So a few weeks ago I went to "Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament" for my friend Adam's birthday. It was fun. We wore hats, we at soup STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOWLS (no spoons... seriously crazy), and we cheered like crazy for our night.... i mean knight.

But when I started eating chicken and my half a potato with my hands, all that changed. The king had just found out one of his knights was a traitor, but he didn't know which one. His aide logically suggested that all the knights fight to the death, on the bet that the traitor will be in the 83% of his finest knights who get killed. The king was unsure, so he let the audience decide. So he asked "Shall we have them fight to the death?," the crowd erupted with applause. There were screams of "kill them all," and "more murder." Adam, who is usually a pretty calm guy started screaming "to the death! To the Death!" with fists clenched and blood vessels popping out of his neck.

And you know I thought to myself... all it took was some garlic bread and a couple cups of pepsi.

this is how hitler started.

A Very Khaki Snack Hangover

2007-03-22T11:32:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everyone who came out for St Patrick's Day at Clark... it was something. Due to the disregard most of you seem to have for your health, the bar did really well. As a result, they were willing to donate some of the money to the Weekend to End Breast Cancer on our behalf, debunking an old myth, once and for all: You CAN end cancer and defame the irish in one sitting.

Inspired by The Radical Dudez and the way they post their set list every week, I have done the same below. (It is not in order... that would be impossible. Also, I probably missed some.)

· TIN WHISTLE
* LET’S GET DRUNK AND HAVE A COUPLE MORE KIDS
· MY VERY OWN FLAG
· SWISS MISS
· DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL Y’ALL
· ROBBIE ALOMAR IS MY FATHER HENCEFORTH MAKING ME ROBBIE ALOMAR JR.
· PERFECT GENTLEMAN
· WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR SON WAS AT HOME…
· I WANNA **** *** ** *** ***
· FALLUJAH
· GYM
· SAVIN’ IT
· KEEP YOUR FEET UP
· GONNA HAVE (SOME) FUN TONIGHT
· MOVIE REVIEW
· ISLAMIC ART
· MY EX
· 3 TYPES OF PIMPS
* DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?
· VAN DYKE BROWN
· DOWN BY THE BAY
· BEARDS (FAMILY VERSION)
· TEETH
· CAMBODIANA
· BLACK AND DAVE
· BARNONE
· TELEGRAM
· FAX MACHINE
· GIRLS GO TO JUPITER TO GO GET STUPIDER
· GUYS ARE TOTALLY AWESOME
· HERMAPHRODITES ARE… ALRIGHT
· JESUS IS TOTALLY AWESOME
· CUT THE GRASS
· A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
· MY SON GOES DRUNK TO CLASS (I KNOW BECAUSE RICK MERCER TOLD ME SO)
· LAST OF THE UNICORNS
· SIGFRIED & ROY
· BUMPER STUMPERS
· WWJDFAKB
· KEEP THOSE MOD ROBES BAGGY, MAN
· SWEAT (GIRL I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT)
· SPRINGTIME
· DAY OF THE JACKAL
· ITALIAN STEREOTYPES
· GREEK STEREOTYPES
· MY BABY SAID IT’S HER OR MY FISHIN’
· LUCKY w/ MEDLEY
· HAPPY VALENTINES
· HAPPY LIQUOR INSPECTING
· HAPPY BIRTHDAY
· LAST KISS (FAST)
· LAST KISS (SLIGHTLY FASTER)
· MSN IS TOTALLY AWESOME
· BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
· WAFFLES (REPRISE)
· CITY OR COUNTY (MAKE GIRLS KISS PROVAN)
* DR JONES

*certain songs were played more than once...

Our next show is Friday, April 27 @ O'Grady's.
Be there.
Please.

A Very Khaki Snack St. Patrick's Day

2007-03-14T00:37:00.000-04:00

More ways to improve your life

2007-03-08T20:40:00.000-05:00

4. FLOSSING

So after not having a dental program for two years and hearing from friends that people besides dentists actually do this, I've decided to start flossing. I've never really done it much before, only really at school or at the dentists where I pretended I was interested in actually doing it. To be honest, I never thought people actually did this. I just thought it was something they lied about to their dentists so they would get the good pain killers. I also come from a family of non-flossers. My father always told me that dentists are supposed to get mad at you every time you see them because they need you to need them. Cavities are normal.

Anyways... it's been a tough haul so far. To be honest I find the whole thing both disgusting and useless. I mean does it actually do anything. So, I'm not sure if this is actually improving my life... but until I get dental again I'm going to try to keep it up. Apparently cavities are also expensive and pain killers difficult to obtain without a prescription.

5. SELLING CLOCKS

Well... It's always been said that men who sell clocks know how to have a good time...

And I say that not only for the pun but also because when I worked this clock show with my Dad he told me stories about how a few years before he and his clock buddies almost got arrested for getting wasted and stealing a golf cart...

seriously... clock guys are CRAZY

Anyways... I worked this clock show with my father in Edmonton two weeks ago. It was insane...

actually... it was a lot like selling clocks... cool clocks... but you know

fortunately I made friends with the guy in the next booth. He sold hukas and cowboy hats.

You can also see the tip of one of him many pocelain eagle statues/tables they sold. They also had a lot of tiger and 'native' paraphinalia.

They were nothing but class.

Below you can see the point in the fourth day of selling clocks where I went cuckoo. And thats not just a pun. We sold mostly chiming clocks... all set to different times... It drives you nuts after a while.

Anyways... In case you didn't know we're playing a show on March 17th at Clark. Because of players we are playing all afternoon... from 12 until 6.

It will be desmarted.

Look at our facebook thing for more info or email/comment

love dave

CHANGE YOUR LIFE TODAY

2007-03-01T15:07:00.001-05:00

So I haven't posted on this thing for ages, but I figured I should say what I've been up to lately. Two words: SELF IMPROVEMENT

Yes, as Derek is whooping it up every night in NAB (and telling EVERYONE about it), and Chris is sitting around and watching his novelty Mohawk turn into one of those haircuts where you have really long hair on the top and none around the sides, I'm working to become a better human being. How you ask?

1. LEARING FRENCH
In grade 9 I failed French... failed it hard. But since traveling the world and teaching English to the foreigners, I've taken a newfound interest in other languages and cultures, mostly those languages that I need to know fluently if I want to get my masters next year. Also... if somebody could tell me how to tell the difference between masculine and feminine nouns I’d really appreciate it... right now I just go on gender stereotypes... I don't care... but chicks can't make good music... or musique

2. BAKING BREAD
After 24 years of paying those OUTRAGOUS BAKERY/GROCERY STORE PRICES I've taken the matter into my own hands and I’ve stated baking all my own bread. It is amazing. Instead of having to go all the way to the grocery store on a Saturday morning, just give me 45 minutes of work and a few hours of rise time and BAM, I have a loaf of fresh bread right there. My old favorite recipe was this http://www.steamwhistle.ca/kitchen/recipes-detail.php?id=53
but then it seemed like a waste of beer. Also I think telling my sister's boyfriend that I love it so much, it actually saved him in an audit... ask me the story some time.

Also... I’ve written about 4 different songs about baking bread. My favorites right now are: "This is my NEW favorite bread recipe" and "Yeast Trouble-shooting Tips!" I'm sure Derek won't let me play these on St. Pats... unless requested enough...

Please make my bread songs your new Alexisonfire!
I promise... they will make you rise...
It's music you knead to hear.

3.Re-Reading Street Signs
Ok... I don't know if this is really 'self-improvement' in the same way but, this week a student asked for directions and I drew Young and Eglington on a map for him. Right after I did that he said, “Wait, where is YOUNG st?” I said it was a block away and he said, “No… that’s YONGE!”. I have lived in Toronto my whole life and I’ve NEVER noticed that. It’s funny, but I think that meeting people of other cultures doesn’t only help you learn about their cultures, but also about your own. Maybe it's just that I'm a terrible speller ... or maybe it's that I never REALLY SAW the world before.
Also Eglinton... and Eglington. I lived a block away from it and I never saw this.

Things are not always as they appear.
dave

I Really Need to Buy a Bed

2007-02-25T02:13:00.000-05:00

This air mattress can't be good for my back.

Not PSH

PSH

A Valentine's Day Card for You & Yours

2007-02-14T11:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Messer...

2007-02-04T01:26:00.000-05:00

...you missed one hell of a weekend. I am now ready for death, and whatever lies beyond.

Derek's Tips For Keeping Your Job

2007-01-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

Learn the difference between the "Reply" button and the "Reply-All" button

CASE STUDY:
Friday I received an email regarding our company's chili cook-off. What follows is my response:

From: Derek Burpee
Sent: Friday, January 26, 2007 10:03 AM
Subject: RE: 4th Annual Chili Cook-Off

I think it's fair to inform you that I will not be preparing any chili for the 4th Annual Chili Cook-Off.

Good luck with this yearly event.

-Derek

PS I don't even like Chili
PPS But that's only because I don't like beans
PPPS Well, I like green beans, but you know what I mean

I should have hit the "Reply" button. Accidentally, I hit the "Reply-All" button. I was made aware of this after noticing the following emails in my inbox within minutes of me sending the above response.

-"I love how you replied to the entire company with that...."
-"I can't believe you copied everyone on this, LOL"
-"Do you like peas? Just wondering .........."
-"Are you cranky? It's 20 BELOW HERE!!! What's your excuse?"
-"I make chili without beans ! "
-"You should expect to receive many cans of beans for your next birthday"
-"I hope I don't dampen your humour but I need to have some mileage reports for 2007 (and regularly)!!!!! "

THE LESSON: Reply and Reply-All are two distinct buttons- one for replying, the other for replying to every single employee in your company. Also, Derek is an idiot.

Derek's Tips For Living in America

2007-01-27T15:34:00.000-05:00

When in doubt, blame the Patriot Act

A Very Khaki Snack Travel Blog

2007-01-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

Monday, January 15
aka My Least Favourite Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Recent Memory

6:03 AM- Arrive at Pearson International Airport- Terminal 2.
6:04 AM- I get in line for ticketing.
6:59 AM- Get ticket.
7:00 AM- Get in line for Customs.
7:01 AM- Clear customs. I am asked a total of zero questions. No eye contact is made.
7:02 AM- Get in line for security check.
7:04 AM- I look less suspicious than usual. I clear security.
7:05 AM- Dialogue briefly with security personnel about emptiness of airport, and how smooth things are going. Inadvertently jinx myself. Begin reading.
7:43 AM- Board plane. Aisle seat. All is well. Continue reading.
8:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. Captain says we're waiting for weather to pass. Will update in 15-30 minutes
9:30 AM- Still on ground. Reading. First officer says we still must wait for weather to pass and will update in 10 minutes.
10:15 AM- Still on ground. Well past halfway point of book. Captain blames our delay on "society run by lawyers". He says we will return to the gate when one is available.
10:45 AM- No gate available. We must vacate our position on unused runway, so we proceed to some other spot on the tarmac. I realize if I finish this book, I will have nothing to read for the second leg of my flight. I attempt to watch "The Queen" on aisle ceiling- TV screen.
11:01 AM- There is an issue with "The Queen" VHS tape. Begin watching "All The King's Men".
11:04 AM- Continue to watch "All the King's Men", despite poorly recorded VHS and fact that tape was not rewound to the beginning.
11:15 AM- We are brought to an arrival gate, but not allowed to de-plane. "All The King's Men" is rewound to the beginning. Flight attendants provide water in cups.
11:40- People going to Chicago on business for the day only are allowed to leave as they will not make it there in time for a return flight home. We are told all other flights have been cancelled, but that our flight will leave within 30 minutes.
12:10 PM- They lied. First officer announces that we now need to refuel. Unlike previous dilemma, no lawyers are faulted.
12:40 PM- Captain announces we are fueled and ready to go. Announcement coincides with key reveal to "All The King's Men" plot. Back to reading.
1:00 PM- "The Guardian" (feature film) begins.
1:12 PM- Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher lack the chemistry required to keep my attention.
1:30 PM- First officer announces that there is a large de-icing line. Second glass of water served. Brief attempt to sleep.
2:30 PM- We take off. Last chapter of book. I begin to suspect something is "going on" between couple sitting next to me.
2:45 PM- Book finished. Begin to read endnotes section of book. Nothing going on between couple. Girl has air sickness. Possibly on account of turbulence. Possibly due to what "went on".

***** NOTE: From now on, the time will be listed in Central time, as opposed to Eastern, which has been used to this point. ******

3:12 PM- Land in Chicago. Foodless and now bookless.
3:20 PM- Stand in line for "Customer Service" as I have missed my 9:45 AM connection.
3:40 PM- Line-up hasn't progressed. Guy in line describe a recent personal adventure. If it were a newspaper headline it would read "Visiting Businessman 'Accidentally' Orders Pornography" Subheading: "Complains it wasn't even a good one, not his type"
4:34 PM- Arrive at Customer Service Desk. Booked on 10:20 PM flight.
4:36 PM- Paper jam ensues while attempting to print my boarding pass.
4:44 PM- I say nothing while two airline employees try in vain to fix the machine.
4:52 PM- Man, this is a paper jam alright. They claim I can board plane without a ticket, but I'm not one to just walk away from the most exciting paper jam of my young life.
4:56 PM- Jammed paper be damned! I have a ticket. Seating area 2. A small victory in a losing battle.
5:03 PM- Get in line for Chili's.
5:21 PM- Seated at Chili's. Order salad & chicken sandwich.
5:51 PM- Begin digestive process. Chili's was a bad choice.
5:59 PM- Consider buying magazine for light reading. I am discouraged by fact that Maxim and Stuff magazine are behind black plastic case, and grouped with pornography. To avoid looking like airport pornography enthusiast I buy new books instead.
9:32PM- Book 2 finished.
9:33 PM- Begin walking aimlessly. Notice 10:20 flight delayed until 10:55.
10:20 PM- No plane in sight. Continue walking back and forth on moving sidewalks, pretending to skate. Begin to realize delirium is setting in.
10:55 PM- No plane.
11:15 PM- Plane!

At this point I stop looking at time. I am dead on the inside. My attempt to sleep on the plane is thwarted by speaker over head playing "Smack That" during flight.

1:12 AM- Touchdown in Omaha. I decide I need a hotel.
1:20 AM- Minus 21 Celsius. I am alert. I decide to drive.
1:40 AM- Driving was a bad choice.
1:50 AM- Stop at Super 8. Ask for a non-smoking room. Room is provided after brief uncertainty.
1:56 AM- Room inspection. It appears clean. Time for bed.
1:57 AM- Undress to "Sleep Attire"
1:58 AM- Room inspection was rushed. Sheet laden with foreign hair.
1:59 AM- Dress in "Cover every inch of my body, including wearing a toque and gloves" attire 7:42 AM- Co-worker calls. I tell him I'm on my way to work. I'm able to leave immediately since I am already clothed.

2007-01-09T21:21:00.000-05:00

Provan's Webcam Audition

A Very Political Khaki Snack St Patty's Day?

2007-01-08T19:25:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks very much to everyone who came out to the Lee's Palace show last month- even people like my brother who showed up right after we finished just to watch the Radical Dudez play (they practice, I understand.)

We're currently in the process of trying to set up a St Patrick's Day show in Kingston- probably the last show we'd play at Queen's in the forseeable future. Unfortunately Clark is booked that night, so...we'll see what we can do. If anyone has a suggestion, let us know. In the meantime we'll try to make up some new songs or shirts or something. We played about 5 new songs at Lee's Palace, and 1 or 2 of them didn't completely suck, so who knows.

This is classic Tammy

2006-12-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

"What have the members of Khaki Snack been up to lately? Any shows planned? Don't they live in different cities? " - 3 questions I haven't been asked, but will nevertheless attempt to answer.

Provan is still living an active single life in Kingston. By "active", I'm referring to him drinking until 7AM, sleeping until 4PM, and filling the rest of his days with a pirated version of Guitar Hero 2. He was on CFRC yesterday morning at about 8:45 talking about our show with The Radical Dudez. CFRC has previously declared us "not funny" and "unoriginal"- it's amazing what 2 years worth of infrequent shows and a lack of memorable new material can do for one's reputation. Anyhow, the clip is available online in their archives.

I'm still in Nebraska. I went to a football game last weekend and spent most of it talking to a child I assume to be 10 years old. Before that I drove to Minnesota for fun. I spent most of this week watching a mini-series on the Sci-Fi channel. Also I created a Khaki Snack facebook account. You should add us, because apparently Facebook is cool.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know what Dave has been doing. I think he bought some recording equipment. Maybe we'll record something new. Maybe.

As I mentioned previously, we are playing a show on New Year's Eve Eve. The details are as follows:

DECEMBER 30, 2006 @ LEE'S PALACE
9:30- Born to Busk
10:30- Khaki Snack
11:30- Radical Dudez
$5 @ the door

The Lee's Palace website says we're last, but I think we'll likely play second.

This post is trash, but as an honorary American, I don't feel the need to impress anyone.

Our First Annual Ben Johnson Birthday Bash!

2006-11-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

Cheating, Lying, Shaming a Nation- pretty big stuff, right? Come celebrate with us- December 30th in Toronto!
This will be the only show we play before the end of the year. More details to come

I'm Living the American Dream, how are you?

2006-10-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in my underwear, drinking a beer, and watching the Biggest Loser marathon on Bravo. I might go to Walmart later.

Clark Hall Pub Ad Correction

2006-10-11T15:49:00.000-04:00

Free Show @ Clark Hall Pub, Saturday October 14th

2006-10-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

Yeah...we're playing a show at Queen's. Because we're pathetic. You should come. I'll talk about living in Nebraska. Or not, if you don't want me to. Please tell your friends. Or not. If no one shows, I'm going to go dancing at Stages. That could be fun. Ok bye.

Uninsured in Omaha

2006-09-20T17:54:00.000-04:00

Dear guy who arrived at this site by searching "Stacey Ferguson crystal meth",

I apologize for not writing recently. I moved to Nebraska. Yup. Nebraska. Here is a picture.

Anyway, it's been a definite learning experience thus far. Type 2 diabetes is pretty much a religion in some parts of the US. Though not as much as actual religion. I live in a small town of 12,000 and there are 34 churches. Wikipedia will also point out that there are two (2) Dairy Queen's in town. Two(2)!! They have a gravy for everything, including muffins. And FOX News actually exists! Speaking of disliking Mexicans, some Americans sure do dislike Mexicans. Interestingly, they LOVE their food. My diet is high in chipotle.

Peace out, person who arrived here by searching for the lyrics to "The Provinces of Canada are fun to remember"!

Git-r-done,
Derek

PS We're playing a show in Kingston after Thanksgiving weekend.

It's the 90s

2006-09-03T23:33:00.000-04:00

So I was on the bus today and this 16 year old girl was talking on her cell phone to her friend. Apparently there was somebody else they needed to talk to, but instead of hanging up the girl said "oh it's ok... we can all three way." The joke was obvious but for pretty much the rest of the bus ride the girl kept on making jokes about how it would be her friends first time in a 'three way,' or 'three way (telephone call) virginity.' It was hilarious.

In the end I don't know if they actually followed through though. Most people just talk about it and then chicken out.

Fees, etc.

Love
Dave

PS- I think of you always...

and of the guy beside the girl who had this involuntary twitch, and who did this big shake of his head almost every time the girl said three-way

Who's gonna pay for these steaks? (I mean spiritually)

2006-08-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I just heard back from O'Grady's. Looks like the show is going to get underway around 9:30 or 10PM and we'll probably elect to play first...so be there at 10 if you want to see us sing about picking up girls at the gym. If we're not at O'Grady's because you're either really late, or super early, we're probably at Einstein's down the street eating free nuts.

I left my heart, and also my wallet, in Boston

2006-08-07T16:59:00.000-04:00

Hi. We're playing a show this Friday @ O'Grady's. I'm assuming that we will play first because we aren't a real band, but I'm not sure just yet. That would put us on at...I don't know, say 10 PM? Sounds about right. I'll try to put up some more info here when/if I hear anything.

Anyway, look for me at the show. I'll be the one who's blind stinking drunk. Partly because I lost my wallet and all personal ID including birth certificate while in Boston last week...partly because my work just asked me to move to Nebraska for a year...but mostly because I have a problem.

Lance Bass is GAY?!?

2006-07-26T18:48:00.000-04:00

Thanks very much to everyone who showed up at Lee's Palace last Friday. The turnout was better than expected. Apparently some people didn't get in? I'm not really sure why, but I'm guessing it had something to do with the pirate costume party taking place on the second floor. Sorry.
For everyone that made it in, thanks for drinking your faces off and pretending to be amused by our rusty slander. The soundguy was less than impressed with us ("What do you mean you don't know what instruments the third guy in the band will be playing?") so we were hesitant to explain to him that we couldn't hear anything on stage. Hopefully you could at least all hear Dave's literal Bible interpretations. It kind of sucked playing last because we didn't really get to hang out with everyone as much, and honestly, it's hard to follow a falsetto rendition of Love Hurts. To be frank, the highlight of my weekend was watching A-Rod strike out 4 times on Saturday while heckling him furiously, despite sitting behind a 10 year old boy in an A-Rod jersey.

We're playing anothershow August 11 @ O'Grady's . Unlike this past show, it will probably be a lot less "Queen's Alumni Mixer", and much more"Show were we open for bands who are not amused with our antics, so instead of getting our act together, we play new, experimental junk". Or maybe we'll just play Barnone 8 times. Either way.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone who came out on Friday. In the coming weeks we'll hopefully have a BIG(ish) announcement regarding another show in a city we used to live in.

Oh, and yes, that is our song playing as background music in the new West 49 commercial. The song is the original (aka GOOD) version of Barnone from our first CD and it's playing on both MuchMusic and MTV Canada. I think there's a chicken in it or something. It just goes to show: We haven't written a good song since high school.

Shea Hillenbrand, Lebanon...Too Soon?

2006-07-19T22:52:00.000-04:00

With the show on Friday, I'm having a hard time remembering what we can and can't do.
Also, any ideas on what GDP could be an acronym for? It would be great if it had something to do with either violence, substance abuse, or masculine qualities.

And for those of you wondering, no I can't decide which summer concert I enjoyed the most: Slayer, GWAR, or Ashlee Simpson. While Ashlee Simpson's new nose was awesome, GWAR shot blood and various other fluids onto the crowd with their prosthetics so... it's hard to say.

These are the Daves I know

2006-07-13T15:13:00.000-04:00

FYI: The show next Friday will start around 9:30 PM. The first dude up is some dude who I don't know anything about, but his name might be available here: www.leespalace.com It should be noted that the aforementioned website is for the location at which the event will be held, Lee's Palace. It should also be noted that it is definitely not a shoe store. The next band will be Fat Robot, followed by the Radical Dudez, followed finally by us. If anyone actually stays after the Dudez play, that is. At very least, this should allow you all to get wicked stupid before we go on. Remember, it's not in a shoe store. I can't stress this enough. For further information, see Provan's post below.

PS Dave gets back from his international life adventure today. Thanks to him, hundreds of Costa Ricans now use the words "pritty" and "buisness" in their daily writing.

July 21st @ Lee's Palace

2006-07-12T22:54:00.000-04:00

If you don't show up, your mother's a terrorist,
and your sister's a prostitute.

Yeah, I said it.

Welcome to Etobicoke, Home of Coors Light

2006-07-05T17:51:00.000-04:00

"What the Coors Light Brewery lacks in mountain credentials it certainly gains in urban density"
I've never been more amused by a website devoted to slandering my hometown than I was when I saw this. The google map descriptions are pretty accurate, as are the airplane sounds. It's also sort of funny because Labatt used to have a brewery off of the 401 in Etobicoke as well... until they recently laid everyone off. The worst part is that despite these coinciding acts of local douchebaggery, I'd still choose Labatt over Molson without hesitation.

Oh, I saw Slayer last night. Let me tell you: When it comes to their music, "those who like it, like it a lot"... Often in alarmingly racist and violent ways. But usually just in drunken, threatening and profanity-laced ways. And also they headbang.

Wonder Showzen

2006-06-28T12:07:00.000-04:00

July 21st @ LEE'S PALACE w/ Radical Dudez & Fat Robot
August 11th @ O'GRADY'S

He Plays So Nice, You Gotta Vote Twice (on the same ballot)

2006-06-21T14:13:00.000-04:00

I will be spending much of the next month working on my new passion: Getting Reed Johnson Voted Into The All-Star game.

Also, we're playing August 11th.

Reed Johnson for President

2006-05-31T13:58:00.000-04:00

It's pretty awkward when your cell phone starts ringing from across the room when you are in a meeting. It's slightly worse when your ringtone is "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

Believe it or not, we're still a band (sort of)

2006-05-26T17:41:00.000-04:00

Sure, we haven't played a show since November. And sure, that means I basically haven't played guitar since November. And sure, Dave has been out of the country since January. And yes, he'll likely return a changed person who wants to "make a difference" and "settle down". But all that aside, we're going to start playing some shows again late in the summer, around Toronto.

In the meantime, everyone should check out the new radical dudez song. Sure, they're in a west 49 commercial, and on the west 49 website, but this new song sounds more like it would suit ...oh, I don't know... maybe a Bay commercial. Also, should they catapult to Bay commercial success and beyond, be sure to remind Adam Bell about the time he said we could ride their coat tails all the way to moderate, Canadian-level, quasi-stardom.

I'll leave you with a picture from a show we played in Kingston last October. Months later that hat would prove to be so gross that total strangers requested I take it off.

(From left to right) Dave, and Derek (not pictured: Provan, countless dissapointed people saying "This is all it is?")

You've Been JUICED!

2006-05-12T13:32:00.000-04:00

I never expected OJ to sink to Kato's level. Not only does he have his own hidden camera talk show, but he is doing bits involving a white Bronco.

As you can see he's also borrowed one of his infamous Nordberg wigs. I can't wait to see the look of fear on people's face when they realize who they've been talking to.
"Didn't you..uh.. kill those people"
"No no no, the blood soaked, dried up leather glove didn't fit. I'm only criminally responsible."
"Oh, so you're doing this to make money?"
"No, then I'd have to pay their families."
"So...you're, like... just a douchebag"
"Man, you got juiced!"
And so forth....

In other news, Rick Sutcliffe & Bill Murray like to party! Baseball, beer, and Bill Murray. Who wouldn't be living it up?!

Why couldn't this stuff have happened when we had a weekly show. All we got were earthquakes, tsunamis and popes.

Ok, the pope stuff was pretty usable.

And he would affectionately call you "Shorty"...

2006-05-08T11:24:00.000-04:00

The Bob Ross Lexicon of Colours

This is new to me. I passed my first time, but failed to perfect it until my 3rd try. To be fair, it took us 3 months after composing our tribute ballad for him before we realized it wasn't Bandike Brown.

In other news, I did something really cool today- I bought cigarettes. Now, I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, so for me, this was quite a rush. My new boss smokes a lot and often tries to get me to pick some up for him when I go for lunch. Usually I'm able to think of excuses to get out of it, but today when he asked, I froze up. He was offering to buy me breakfast, and once I agreed to that, he added "And while you're there, pick me up a pack." I noted my moral convictions, jokingly, but it was neither funny nor effective. So, next thing you know, I'm standing in Smoker's Variety looking to buy a tobbacco product. I felt rugged, masculine, and confident upon purchasing this product.
One of the first things I noticed was how light the pack felt. In retrospect, this could have been a result of the adrenaline that shot through my body as I looked at the less-morbid-than-usual warning label. A bunch of cigarettes in an ash tray? You're going to have to do better than that to stop me from buying cigarettes for my boss, using his money.
Another thing I noticed was how people looked at me differently. During my walk to the car, I thought about how I was no longer seen as the guy who can't grow a beard, but rather the kind of guy people go to when they need a lighter, or possibly breathmints or gum.
All in all, it was a very rewarding experience. If I could do anything differently, it would be order a more masculine ciagerette than Extra Light. (This too, may have lead to the pack having a minimal weight.) I really don't want people to think I'm the kind of guy who can't handle his fair share of tar.
So if there's anyone out there feeling down in the dumps and who has yet to buy a Mother's Day gift, why not kill two birds with one cancer causing vice and buy some cigarettes. Your ego/Mom will thank you.

Did we ever stand a chance...

2006-04-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

Vanilla Ice & Milli Vanilli
The guys who played Screech & A.C. Slater
These guys may have jobs?!

Ok, so maybe we got one wrong. Just add it to the list of our songs that are dated (Christmas Eve, let's watch Stimpy & Ren/ Gonna dump you over MSN?)

Fidel Castro better not be planning to shave anytime soon.

Things I've learned about punk rock in CR

2006-04-24T13:25:00.000-04:00

1. If you are the only ska band in a country everyone has to like you
2. Singing on key is for people who like the USA...
3. Get serious for a bit and talk about the horrible things the US is doing in Iraq... then sing a poppy ska song about Iraq
4. Dipping a US flag in blood and then tearing it up on stage is the best way to close a show... especially when you are wearing a tee shirt that says ARMY

Also there was an 11 year old girl near us wearing a "stick your willy wonka in my chocolate factory" tee shirt....

i dont think she speaks english.

NOFX makes me happy to be alive

2006-04-22T16:52:00.000-04:00

If Khaki Snack ever did a video, it would probably have been slightly less offensive then this: JESUS IS TOTALLY AWESOME.

Khaki Briefs:
-Dave is still alive (in Costa Rica or something)
-Chris is now able to watch 24 on Mondays instead of having to tape it, which he did for the past 2 years (or maybe just 1)
-Derek's coworker is an avid banjo player and earlier this month attempted to set him up with the double bass player in his bluegrass band. She was in her 30's. It didn't work out.

BUMMER

2006-03-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry I couldn't find a better picture. Actually, it's pretty good.

Pictures I Found on Tom's Computer

2006-03-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

Provan & Tom @ Clark the last Monday

Radical Snack

Tom impersonating Provan

Derek & People he doesn't know

Dave peeing in Tom's Yard

redemption... its all i want to have

2006-03-01T11:44:00.000-05:00

Well... upon first listen to the new LTJ songs i'm not blown away. I've said it once and i'll say it again that horns make that band. Hello Rockview and B&B were amazing because they had killer horn parts. I really didn't like Anthem that much because it just sounds like an album full of radio happy singles with wimpy horn parts, predictable breakdowns and lyrics lamenting about leaving home and divorce... which is cool when you're a teenager but they've been in a band for like 17 years. It had some cool songs about alcohol... but i would argue that the titles were almost cooler than the actual lyrics. i did like B is for B sides more but it had the same problems i thought... the best part was the chorus of national anthem... it was the one really awesome catchy thing i thought that came out of those two albums....

These new songs sound a lot like those ones. i mean LTJ is cool because it does different stuff with horns but they're taking out the horns and it sort of all sounds the same. I do like everything is overrated the most.... i do like the ska style of rest of my life and still life... and i like the country style guitar intro of rest of my life.... but i dont know...
i think it might be another album i play occasionally but dont love start to finish. they need fat trombone parts... thats what makes them awesome...

although listening to them on repeat i'm starting to like them a little more... the lyrics can be a little average/cliche though.... i mean they're a successfull band... they should write about how awesome it is to do crystal meth with that girl from full house and stuff... not how their lives are going nowhere...

also do you know what music is awesome BOB MARLEY...LEGEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF THERE WAS ONE ALBUM I COULD HEAR 24 HOURS A DAY, BEING SUNG ALONG TO BY PEOPLE WHO DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY LYRICS ARE IT WOULD BE THAT.

.. oh won't you help me sing ...songs about freedom... its what i want to have... redeeeeemption

Where do you go... my lovely

2006-02-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

Based on my research, the majority of people reading this have little to no interest in us, or us-related matters. They do have interests, however, in the following topics:

ohio stores that sell urine gone
"Red Zeppelin" Toronto
stacy ferguson's look
pain lyrics from the radical dudez

Those aren't that funny. I just thought you should know. Hopefully, after this post, there will be leagues of No Mercy fans rushing here only to read about my love of east side mario's salad and how I got a new pair of safety glasses at work last week.

PS I actually found the glasses behind a filing cabinet.

Dear Dave (or how I learned to watch Grey's Anatomy because girls like it, and hopefully they will talk to me about it)

2006-02-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

So this place has got pretty boring as of late. Here are some thoughts. Video on Trial is the worst television show I can think of. It makes Popcultured with Elvira Curt seem funny. As a matter of fact, I'm working on a show called Video on Trial on Trial. I'm pretty lazy, unfortunately, because otherwise it would be huge.
In other news-Messer, what do you think about the new Less Than Jake songs? They aren't great, but I'm still hoping for the best...The rest of my life is the best. Overrated is sort of She's gonna break soon-ish. Still Life Franchise is alright I guess. I'm scared this album will suck. Considering they haven't put out a bad album...ever... and they've been around for over 15 years, I'm fearing their potential demise.
Also, remember how we wanted to make Barnone a country song? I think they beat us to it. Well, in terms of doing it well at least.
In closing, I think this website needs more Kenny vs. Spenny-esque competitions. First up? Derek and Provan compete for Khaki Snack's most eligible bachelor.

heart problems

2006-02-13T11:37:00.000-05:00

well your name's dick cheney
and you got a gay daughter
and you shot an 78 year old guy in the face
and your name is dick

WOW..... hearing news like this makes me really really miss having a weekly show.

also its not bad taste cause they're still buddies.
however, if derek or chris ever gave me a face full of buckshot i'd so be starting a solo career.

Ovarian Cancer? I wonder who suggested that one

2006-02-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

Tonight my two passions, William Hung and Arrested Development, will combine fo the most anticipated 2 hours of television this year. I am excited, stressed out, and nervous.

I think I need a girlfriend.

Quadrophenia

2006-02-03T15:38:00.000-05:00

I could write 8.5 rock operas about the past few weeks of my life. More info on me and provan's increasingly daveless life to come.

New show?

2006-01-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

Coming in Toronto...

In the next 2 weeks?...

Stay tuned...

"Bill & Ted's Excellent Idea!"

2006-01-21T03:45:00.000-05:00

So, my sister and I have a pact where from now on we shall only name any pets we get after characters that Keanu Reeves has played in movies.

I mean Come on! The guy's name is Hawaiian for 'The Coolness' (or 'Cool wind over the mountains, depending on how Hawaiin you want to get). He plays bass in a band (like I do) called 'Dogstar', and was a stellar goalie for the U of T Blues, was nicknamed 'The Wall' and was drafted into the OHL, but chose acting instead . Can you even imagine a better role model? (Not including Brad Pitt right now...)

So, Bri has a bunny named 'Special Agent Johnny Utah' who was a college star quarterback for the Ohio-State Buckeyes (#9) before getting his knee injured in the Rose Bowl, thus ending his pro-career. So he joined the FBI and had to learn how to surf to catching some bank robbers in L.A. that were dressed in masks as Ex-Presidents... I won't ruin the rest of this Oscar-snubbed Hollywood epic for you,. because every moment is cinematic genius.

The only problem is, my sister's kindergarten kids get mixed up, and ended up calling him 'Juanita' which he hates (as much as a rabbit can) but i still tease him by calling him that.

Beyond that, I'm going to get a Husky soon, and his name will be 'Logan', or... in full "Ted 'Theodore' Logan" and he will be part of the... "Wyld Styllians!!!"

And soon after, his German Shepard brother will be named 'Falco', or "Shane Falco" after another quarterback charachter from "The Replacements".

Logan & Falco... good dog names... and even better Keanu names.

And you can go so far from there. If you stay away from "Neo" (too obvious) I would call a cat 'Thomas A. Anderson'. Or, the 'Devil's Advocate's' (Kevin) Lomax. Lomax is a great cat's name! It never stops!

While my cat at home is named Jack (after Jack Daniel's) I can't help but wonder if Speed's 'Jack Traven' played a role in that at all...

Probbaly not, because lately I've taken to calling him "Mandrake Falls Volunteer Fire Department", which he readily answers to.

Chase your own dream!

2006-01-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

The Greatest Adventure on Earth!

That's what they're calling this year's Lisbon-Dakar Rally, and I can't say that I disagree with them.

Last year I watched every Tuesday night on OLN on 'Long Way Round' while Ewan MacGregor & Charley Boorman made their way on 2 motorcycles the "long way around" from London to New York. They went through France, Belgium, Germany, Czech Rpublic, Slovakia, Ukraine, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Russia, Canada & USA during one of the greatest travels 2 friends could ever take.

This year while Ewan travelled the Honduran Jungles helping find a previously undiscovered civilization, Charley took part in a giant project... The Dakar Rally!

Unfortunately, (Spoilers be ahead!) Charley found out on Day 9 of the Rally that both of his hands were broken (due to injuries sustained on falls on Day 6 & 7) and should not proceed with the race. His team-mates on their BMW GS 650's were still in it last I checked, and he was following with their support trucks to help them out. For those who are unfamiliar, the 'Dakar' is tough and the entire motorcycling world's heart goes out to families of people like Andy Caldecott, who fatally crashed on the 9th stage of this year's rally.

Good for them!

2006-01-12T02:20:00.000-05:00

Angelina is able to fly a plane! Can you do that?

Brad is able to beat the living crap out of Jared Lehto (with the help of Ed Norton) and make him not so pretty no more! Can you do that?

I know I'm speaking over Derek & Dave's head when I say this, but Brad Pitt is one of the best actors of this generation. From '12 Monkeys' (the best portrayal of 'time-travel' since "Bill & Ted") to the inevitable "Fight Club", whose message still echoes through to our time (His name is Robert Paulson). During Ocean's 11, he played the sly, cool Frank to George's Deano, and came across so well. Never letting anyone in (especially Topher Grace or Katie Holmes) but still coming across as a likable individual.

On that note; how can you hate Angelina? She did her best despite a turmultutous childhood, with or without her father ("I don't want... your life!!!!") and still managed to win an Oscar!

Hold on; Brad was nominated for a Best Supporting Oscar for playing a patient in a mental hospital... Angelina won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her portrayal of a mental patient. Coincidence? I sure hope so! For the sake of Maddox & Zahara...

Provan

P.S. Charley Boorman was in 'Deliverance' with Angelina's father and he is now one of my heros for travelling from London to New York the LongWayRound with Ewan MacGregor on motorcycles and experiencing things I only hope to imagine. He's out of the Dakar Rally now :( but I wish him all the best, and hope to ride with him someday!

URINE GONE

2006-01-02T22:35:00.000-05:00

I know this is very 80's, but with the crappy service on airlines killing even "peanut" jokes, I think we need to make fun of commercials a bit more.
So at the Burpee's the other day I saw the greatest commercial I've ever seen. It is for a revolutionary product called "URINE GONE." If you're like me you know that although your house might seem clean, there could potentially be urine ANYWHERE. The only obvious solution is to search your entire house with a black light (included), because as well all know, anything that appears really white under a black light MUST be urine. With only a couple sprays of Urine Gone the stain then disappears.

I think the second best part of this commercial is that as they look around the house, the places where urine is found gets more and more and more ridiculous. From a toilet, to the carpet, to a plant, to the wall of the shower, to around a sink. I know that its sort of intended for pets, but they used it in a few places where Bingo wouldn't go. The best part however comes from the realization that somebody had to pee/pour urine in all those places in order to make the commercial.
I also really like how it comes in a black plastic bottle with a big flashy logo on it because you really don't want your urine remover to blend in with the other cleaners you have in your closet. Nope, if a guest looks into a cupboard accidentally you really want that person to see that your house has a urine control problem to the point that you need a cleaner to address urine specifically.

Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year

2005-12-30T14:14:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, 2005: The Year When everyone was still listening to the music from 2004. The very same music that one year ago made me long for the return of rap metal. I'm so tired of Green Day, Arcade Fire, The Killers, Jack Johnson, Panic!At the Disco....I get it, you recorded a "concept album"/ have violins/ have a good haircut / are the new Dave Matthews / look like 12 year olds who robbed a wig store. Great. Call me old fashioned, but I preferred the simplicity of a live Kid Rock performance. He relied on a skilled band, comprised of midgets and prostitutes, instead of relying on trends or gimmicks. It was about his music. He didn't have to be from Montreal, or feature a-tonal singing in order to gain success. Instead he came out of Detroit, a relative dead zone for music, and sang about his awesomeness. That's something I can get behind. While it's true that Kid Rock will likely be relegated to Rap-Metal infamy, is that such a bad thing? Unlike emotional screaming rock, and indie rock and roll, rap-metal isn't simply a buzz word used to sell ugly people's music. It has a rich history of cultural and political importance.

For instance, how lame would the movie Judement Night have been if it weren't for the hauntingly powerful pieces recorded by collaborations between Slayer & Ice-T, Onyx & Biohazard, and Faith No More & Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. Oh, and Helmet & House of Pain too.

Without rap-metal, Woodstock 99's passionate fires and parisian-style rioting might have been nothing more than a sleepy crowd holding up lighters while Peter Gabriel played an extended version of "Biko".

Without rap-metal, bands like Korn wouldn't have been able to rise to glory, then fall into obscurity, only to attempt a comeback by placing popular hip-hop performers in their video and letting them talk over most of the song.

Without rap-metal, the world would be without Fred Durst. And that would just be a shame.

Fortunately, despite the overwhelming amount of garbage released this year, there were some bright spots: Madonna, Rick Moranis, Willie Nelson, etc. And shining brightly above them all, are the performers of Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year Award.

Khaki Snack's 2005 Song of the Year Award Winner: MY HUMPS by the Black Eyed Peas

My Humps is a brilliant satire of current pop music. Its video combines thought provoking lyrics with powerful imagery to illustrate the floundering state of the music industry. Stacey Ferguson's portrayal of the pseudo-empowered objectified woman is bang on, while Will I Am's performance is both unsettling and relatable. A strong song, coupled with an even stronger video makes this the hands down choice for song of the year. Also, it's really awesome when you're wasted.
RUNNER UP: R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet parts 1-infinity. If he keeps making them, I'll keep watching.

Cheese is the new wine

2005-12-28T14:49:00.000-05:00

So my aunt, uncle and cousins came over the other day and we ate a large assortment of cheeses. my parents went out and bought a whole ton of french cheeses. They also made a joke that we're eating with saints cause they all came from places like St. Charlemagne or something. I then make the quip... if cheese is the new wine lets all get WHEY-STEAD

a large groan filled the room. i plan to write a song about it.

I would also like to mention two new TKS songs i've written recently. One is called "My Name Is Dave." It's about me and how i write kick ass music and don't need to care about rhyming.
The second is called "You can always count on your friends, cause there the ones who will be there in the end."
Its a song with a message. The message is about rain forest depletion.

Good life and happiness.
day-ve

I don't mind you shooting at me, Frank, but take it easy on the Baccardi

2005-12-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so Snackmas 2005 is not off to a thunderous beginning. There are several factors:

A) I'm sick - I've been busy either making or eating soup.
B) I'm in Peterborough - Aside from inducing depression, it also sucks for Christmas shopping.
C) I went to Oshawa - The only place worse than Peterborough that isn't Windsor is Oshawa. They have a huge mall where I was able to purchase 1/2 of my desired gifts, but it was still unpleasant. I have never seen anyone smile in Oshawa.
D) I'm pretty lazy - Too lazy to elaborate.
E) Still in Peterborough - And can't post any songs. Probably because they aren't beat poetry.

Anyway, my cold is slightly improved and I have smelled enough diesel fumes this morning to put anyone in a good mood. To celebrate, here is easily one of the best (novelty) songs of the year! It's called Going Camping by Parry Gripp. Since Dave and I started playing again at the end of second year, I made it my goal to try to emulate Nerf Herder in every manner possible. I figured that since they broke up it was no biggie. Then their lead singer starts releasing WAY better novelty songs than any human being could have ever imagined, let alone anticipated. He also starting doing a "Review of the Day" for his website promoting his album of product jingles "For those about to shop, We salute you". I'd like to say he was ripping off Movie Review but considering we had been covering "Do you like Waffles" for a year, we decided to call it even. Oh, and by the way, the original line up of Nerf Herder is back together and working on a new CD. Good news for us, as there will soon be another album of songs to rip off.

In other news, we have a MySpace page now. I don't really get the purpose of it, but I figure it's another place where we can host songs. Oh, and in the spirit of Christmas I'm going to give people some junk I don't want- Our First CD! In a day or two, I'll post every track from The Quintessential (3 years...4 songs) including Chris got a Blender for Christmas, my most hated and now favourite khaki snack song. I also found a lot of other good stuff like drunk Provan playing a song about me on a webcam in first year. It's (sort of) interesting, alright!
Finally, in the spirit of festivus, please post comments about all the ways we've disspointed you in this past year.

Giggles and Kisses,
Derek

You had me at Dog poop....

2005-12-20T21:36:00.000-05:00

Ok i have a few old stories to post on here... i've just been too lazy to post. First... you know how i said you should only get a Kris Kringle brand christmas tree... cause (much like apples at halloween) other companies put razor blads into their trees.... WELL, one thursday we were unloading a truck load of *non Kringle* trees from Quebec. So this guy marco tosses a tree off the truck... and you know what falls out.... A BIG HUNTING KNIFE!!!!!!
Seriously... it goes to show you... only buy kringle... and Quebecers want to murder english speakers as a sacrafice to their pagan pine tree gods...

SECONDLY... a few weeks ago i went to my sisters grade 3 class in bowmanville (she's the teacher) to play the role of "Mr. Monkeybars," the head of Playgroundology at Trent University (PLEASE INSERT TRENT JOKE HERE). Essentially the kids had designed playgrounds as a
class project and i had to evaluate them or something. So with extra time left in the class, my sister convinced me to lead her grade 3s in a sing a long. So i thought to myself, what song would be best to do when taking to children... talking about parks... to children... perhaps even about lawn maintenance. So i played CUT THE GRASS... as soon as i started the kids weren't impressed. I mean i've felt the "ewwwww" from crowds before... but never like this....

that is until i hit the words " Dog Poop"... then the kids went INSANE and started running around the class compleatly out of control. Even my sisters "if you can hear my voice clap once" couldn't get thier attention... and let me tell you... when my sister speaks at a slightly lower than normal volume to emphisize that she doesn't raise her voice in class you LISTEN.

anyways... sad to think a bar full of drunken 20 year olds likes childrens music more than children..... khaki snack fails again.....

And so begins...

2005-12-20T14:30:00.000-05:00

...The 12 Days of Snackmas.

Over the next 12 days we will offer our reflections back on the months of 2005:Year of the Snack. Sure it was a subpar year for music, at best, but luckily we had a bunch of popes and elections we can talk about. I also plan on posting our very own Year in Review music list, featuring the top 10 songs of the year (in the "novelty music" genre). Tonight I'll kick things off with the first month of the calendar year: January. Fasten your seatbelts and make some nachos, it's party time!

Even regular Bruce Springsteen songs sound like Christmas songs

2005-12-19T12:31:00.000-05:00

I think it's because of the bells and horns.

On a related note, it's Christmas time! Christmas is the season that has produced more khaki snack songs than any other. From our first song to have words, "Chris got a Blender for Christmas" to the equally infamous "Chris got a Blender for Christmas part 2: Derek got his ass dumped for Christmas" (later renamed Barnone: Worst Christmas Ever(later renamed Barnone)). The third song in our Christmas trilogy is, of course, the following year's "It's Boxing Week and Everything Must Go!(that includes you)" Despite not really remembering how that one goes, it still counts in my eyes. Here are some potential songs that could arise this year:

-Chris went on a date in Muskoka just before Christmas and it was ok, but got slightly weird when he ran into some high school friends he hadn't seen in a bit
-Derek got Mono for Christmas (and allowed people to call it the kissing disease despite getting it from a half-empty glass of Coke he drank from an empty table at the office Christmas party when nobody was looking)
-It's boxing week and everything must go (including Dave to talk to someone at customs about entering Costa Rica with a one way ticket)
-Chris Kicked Jesus in the face on Christmas (his dog's name is jesus. wait, I guess that's still bad)
-Derek got a skirt for Christmas (because his co-workers saw him use the women's bathroom)

That's all I've got for right now. If you have any suggestions please post them in the comments. In the meantime, stay informed about Dave's Collateral Damage-esque ploy to enter into another country here: Dave and the Art of Motorcycle Repair

Graft vs Host

2005-12-18T01:35:00.000-05:00

I wrote a post about cab vouchers, but it's not very funny. Well, there was a Home Alone joke which was kind of funny, but it contained spoilers so I felt I should just take it down. I skied today. I have two jobs. Here is a picture from Halloween. The outfits were pretty last minute.

THE LIBERAL WAR ON CLOCKMAERS

2005-12-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

This election season when you're deciding who to give your valuable vote to i'd like you to take a second to consider Canada's valuable clock industry. This week Paul Martin's Liberal government announced a new 2% excess tax on clocks, declaring that clocks excessive and a luxury. Strangely enough, however, the same duty is not levied against watches. So Paul Martin is saying that a diamond encrusted rolex is a necessity, where a simple, efficiently designed clock is a luxury. Now I can understand how Paul Martin and his rich, fat cat, public money stealing friends can't live without their rolex watches, but i don't think this rule applies to most hard working Canadians. In a country that prides itself on its punctuality, and in a government which sits underneath a giant clock, declaring clocks to be a luxury is unfair taxation of the highest degree. So this election season i ask that whenever somebody asks you "what time is it," and you check a nearby clock, you remember that the Liberals think that clock is a luxury and wants to persecute Canada's honest clock makers. It is builders who have always made this country strong and whether they built a railroad or a lovely decorative wall clock, or alternativly import them from china and sell them like the patriots, these builders/importers are what make this country great. So this January join Canada's clock makers and tell the liberals its TIME to change.....

**so far none of the major parties have commented on this important issue**

Sideways is the new Swingers

2005-12-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

Derek Burpee: Leader of Tomorrow

2005-12-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today at work I bought 100 kg of salt, copied 4 keys, and I'm about to go pick up 5 cans of diesel, 2 plain donuts and a large coffee with 2 milk and 1 sugar. Engineering rules!

Calling All Daves

2005-12-02T15:10:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again, when Dave and his girlfriend buy a one way ticket to Costa Rica and move there indefinitely. What does this mean? It means we need a new Dave! You have to be able to sing, play guitar, and tell the same disease-related jokes every week while being better looking than Derek, but not as good looking as Provan. Poor spelling is encouraged.

The Man In Black

2005-11-29T00:10:00.000-05:00

I was introduced to 'Country & Western' at a young age by my Papa. I learned all about Willie, Waylon & The Boys and grew an appreciation for their art. Through collaborations and guest appearances I'd heard about a man named 'Cash', but never thought of him as a country man - That sentiment continues today.

On fishing trips with my dad and his buddies, we've always listened to Johnny Cash and everyone, no matter what age, enjoys it. Johnny Cash trancends the typical genres of music. He is not, in my mind, a country singer. When singing, he has a (slight) southern accent, but doesn't put on that typical 'twang' that ruins most 'New Country' these days. I'd consider him more 'Blues' than 'Country' anyday.

His ability to re-do recent pop songs so well on his American III & American IV albums (produced by Rap-Mogul Rick Rubin) proves his timelessness. With Red Hot Chili Peppers' John Frusciante on guitar and Fiona Apple on piano, he gets the best in the business to help him out (and TKS fans know that I have a giant crush on Fiona). Plus, getting Don Henley to do background vocals on The Eagles' "Desperado", and getting Tom Petty to help out on "I Won't Back Down" commands the greatest respect.

Yes, I did just see "Walk The Line" recently and I recommend it to any aspiring musicians out there. You'll learn that Johnny went to a record company with an old idea, and it wasn't until he came up with something new and original, that anyone paid attention to him, and that is why our brand of "Acoustic Novelty Rock" is the wave of the future!

And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him... Bill or George or anything but Sue!!!

Go Ahead! Make Your Bed.

2005-11-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

Estelle Getty is the second YOUNGEST Golden Girl. I did not know that.

Kerry Wins Election...as Jury Foreman

2005-11-23T00:24:00.000-05:00

CNN is funny: http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/11/23/kerry.juryduty.ap/index.html

So lately I've been looking through a lot of my old junk, trying to throw stuff out as my parents attempt to remove all evidence I ever lived in their house. In grade 11 drama I wrote a radio play with a friend of mine called "The Erotic Adventures of Moses". The premise was that "he gets into all sorts of crazy trouble...searchin' for love". How on Earth did we get away with this? I don't think it was very funny, but the theme song was pretty catchy.
This past weekend, I went to the John Orr dinner in Toronto. Well, not the dinner part, just the dance part, which in retrospect was a bit of a mistake. All I wanted out of the night was a picture with "Buffalo" Bill Leggett and/or Karen "Fat Guy Silhouette" Hitchcock. Of course, by arriving late, I totally blew my chance. It was still pretty fun. Provan was there in his purple shirt, marking the first time in weeks he wasn't wearing his matching Jeff Gordon hat and jacket. Dave was there too, but couldn't get in. Probably because he was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. My favourite part of the night was when a friend of mine laughed so hard he thought he dislocated his jaw. We contemplated going to the hospital. But we didn't. Another John Orr miracle.

I really wish I could think of a better nickname for Karen. I've used Hitchy in the past, but it's not that original. Unlike Buffalo Bill. It's pretty original. I got it from the NFL's Buffalo Bills.

Save Our Bluths

2005-11-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

So khaki snack hasn't done much in a while. We've been busy getting ready for the holiday elections. In the meantime, I've been anxiously awaiting the return of Arrested Development. I knew if it was gonna go down, it was gonna make a good exit, and if this article holds true....oh man, it's gonna be an amazing final 8 shows.

From http://www.tvguide.com/News/Entertainment/default.htm?rmDate=11182005 :

"Leave it to Arrested Development to mine the tragedy of its imminent death for laughs. Per Variety, series creator Mitch Hurwitz is planning an episode that will poke fun at Fox's decision to reduce the show's episode order from 22 to 13, effectively canceling it. In the episode, titled "S.O.B." for "Save Our Bluths," the Bluth clan considers throwing a fund-raiser to save their construction company from shutting down. In one scene, Jason Bateman's Michael notes, "Our backs are against the wall.... It's just hard for me to accept that it's really come to begging." There's even a conversation about whether the Home Builders Organization — HBO — might be willing to come to their rescue. That idea is quickly nixed though, leading George Sr. to say, "I guess it's Showtime. We'll put on some kind of show at the [fund-raiser]." Meanwhile, after reading this item on TVGuide.com, the American public released the following statement: "Huh? I don't get that last joke. I told you this show was dumb." "

Christmas Trees

2005-11-15T19:36:00.000-05:00

These are the reasons why my new career selling christmas trees will be good for the band:

1- Its helped me spruce up my wardrobe (i have a cool red uniform)
2- Hours of standing around the tree yard has made me pine for the open stage and lots of beer.
3- I will return to the band a lot more comfortable with needles (seriously... beyond the pun the people I work with do A LOT of weird drugs)
4-I get a lot of experience with bows.
5-When I get back on stage i want a lot of scotch (pine... is a type of tree)
6- I can now take a firm stand about the moral implications for firs

ALSO... don't ruin christmas for your family by buying a generic christmas tree... those boy scouts... not to spread rumours but a lot of people have found razor blades hidden in their trees..

so this season only buy the original KRIS KRINGLE Christmas Trees... also make sure its pre wrapped and that your parents look at it before you open it....

seriously we sell all these branded trees... its weird.

Chicks digby Bigby

2005-11-13T12:08:00.000-05:00

It looks to be the Final Countdown for Arrested Development. I've been crying a lot lately.

Dear Fox...

2005-11-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

...Don't even think about it.

ALSO The Rentals are getting back together! I'm uber-excited about this, and apparently Maya Rudolph might still be in the band. On the site it's mentioned that Weezer asked Matt Sharp to join as a fifth member. WOW. He's not gonna do it, which is probably a good idea, but let's not kid ourselves, the last time weezer was awesome, he was in the band. Anyway, I guess this would make this the actual Return of the Rentals. Who knows though, Matt Sharp says a lot of things-I'm still waiting for his acoustic album with Rivers. And by the way, those songs they played together a few years back-Incredible. They were like Rentals songs, but acoustic and awesomer.

But seriously, stop messing with Arrested Development.

My mom also suggested a song that she felt would suit 50 cent

2005-11-08T17:02:00.000-05:00

Here's an excerpt from an email my mom just sent me.

"how bad is that humps song? a song about eating pancakes with subtle innuendoes could be refreshing and catchy especially if greg sang it a la j.d.fortune of inxs.
-ur mgr"

In other news, yesterday there were two episodes of arrested development. awesome. i also rewatched awesometown. also awesome. then i downloaded The 'Bu. Pretty awesome. i think the new snl people are pretty solid. But i still don't find Finesse funny. Except for that time Lorne Michael's made fun of him. And that was Lorne being funny.

Yep. Back in Peterborough.

This drink will do, and girl you look alright...and this band is playing like hell tonight

2005-11-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

Friday: Cambodiana: good, Us: unpleasant, Memory: One I'd rather not have
Saturday: Sweater shopping: good, Adam Bell's house of instruments an his ability to play them: good, people being less happy party than usual at sci fomal: weird, still a lot of people being crazy fun: good, bourbon: good, playing shout with jack kerouac: probably over the line, realizing sweaters & dress shirts & t-shirts are hot together: good(attractive) & bad (physically overheating), dave breaking 2 strings on his guitar: throwback to yesteryear, dave bleeding: creepy, dave breaking his first string in the first song: sort of funny though, Fajitas for dinner: good, Blowing a fuse mid-set: down by the bay probably isn't that funny anymore, playing songs several times because you hoped people would be too drunk to notice but then they do notice and you're like "uh, whatever": whatever, there's more to write but i'm sort of bored of this day now: yeah Sunday: Uptown Girls: I can't believe I watched the whole thing
Monday: Here is a conversation that took place at my dinner table

Mom - "What can your brother play in your band? I've decided I'm going to be your manager, and I'm going to make Greg put on tight pants and run around the stage"

Derek - "What?"

Mom - I've been watching that Simpson father, with the two singing daughters a lot lately. I think you need to start appealing to 13 and 14 year old girls. That's where all the money is. Haven't you heard of JoJo?"

Dad- "Who's JoJo?"

Mom- "Oh man, you are SO out of it."

So all in all: good weekend.

Richard Allen George...No, It's Just Cheez

2005-11-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

SCI FORMAL WEEKEND IS HERE

I'm pretty excited because it's the one show we play where it really doesn't matter. I mean, sure most shows are rough and people are too drunk to notice, but this show...wow. Last time we played Sci Formal ('03) we had a very finite list of songs that we knew how to play and had practiced with our drummer. We played maybe 6 of those songs. Everyone attending Sci Formal just got bonkers. We played Barnone 5 times. We covered AC/DC and the Counting Crows, two songs I never before knew on guitar (or particularly enjoyed)... and I still don't know how to play them. Drunken buffoons were continuously running on stage to sing songs we had never before tried. It was pretty awesome, until I got sacked about 3 times. Even then, it was pretty rad. So for this weekend, instead of practicing for days we're just gonna hope for the best. And I'll be honest- We won't need half of our best for this to be the easiest show in the history of time.

AAAAAAND then there's tonight at Clark. Hi-Fives are opening, and I'm pretty excited since I've never seen them before and they are top notch dudes. Following them is the main event, Sharp Hint of New Tears, the Queen's super-group playing songs by an adult who wrote sad teenager anthems. It's going to be wicked. Closing out the night will be a band called "Croccodile Mile", until I can find a better name for us doing songs so we remember how to play them the next night.

In the words of Dave Messer "If you're going to Sci Formal, come see us tonight so you can see how great we are, because lord knows you'll be too drunk to remember us tomorrow" Also, good luck with your hours, sucker. Remember-going to Sci Formal is fun, as long as you don't dissapoint your date and spend most of the time fighting in the stairwell.

Cambodiana tonight!

Dave Messer in Snack-face

2005-11-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream about Dave's wedding. The highlight was a speech from Dave's best man, who looked like a cross between Mikhail Baryshnikov and Ian Holm. I think it was Dave's mentor or something, and he gave a pretty moving speech. I remember thinking "Wow, that's deep. I now understand my purpose" I really wish I could remember what he said. Also, the hors d'oeuvres at the reception were top notch. Most of them had a spicy flair, if I recall correctly. Actually, I think they were just things I've seen on Triscuit boxes over the years. Anyhow, it was a super fun night, and Dave and Kim put on this amazing dance routine. I'm talking something out of Bollywood. Then I woke up I think. The moral of the story is that I can't wait for Dave to get married.

Letter from a Starving Artist

2005-11-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

In other news, I'm pretty excited to get back to Cambodiana this weekend. Although, I'll be honest I'm a little stressed out. Not so much about the fact that we're playing a show with a drummer who we've never played or practiced with before, but more about what we're going to wear. Sci Formal really demands a certain level of class, but on the flipside we're cheap. Two years ago we wore pink shirts, white pants and teal cumber buns... however I'm told it's a fairly large 'faux-pas' to recycle outfits at formal events, EVEN if they are gorgeous. Maybe we should all get fake moustaches. I know moustache are a bit cliche, but it's tough being me sometimes. You see, I can only grow the infamous Anti-Hitler, where you grow nothing under the nose, but simply on the outskirts. And I'll be honest, sometimes a guy just needs a moustache. I don't even know how to get fake moustaches. Do they itch? Probably.

Anyway, Dave and I made a list of new songs to cover for Sci Formal. I hope everyone going likes Roy Orbison. We will likely practice these after Sharp Hint this Friday, so anyone is more than welcome to hang around and watch us panic at our lack of knowledge and prepardness.

Finally, the highlight of my career in construction occured while writing the last paragraph. It involved overhearing a lengthy decision regarding our engineers' ability to "raise the roof". "Raise the roof, Tony. You gotta raise the roof." Unfortunately, in the end it was determined that we, in fact, can't raise the roof. Bummer.

Friday Nov 4th @ Clark Hall Pub

2005-11-01T04:30:00.000-05:00

The Sharp Hint Of New Tears

So this upcoming friday is the big-deal debut of my favourite side-project (beating out Down By The Bay, The Boombox Revoloutionaires, Wrestle With Jimmy, What's The Frequency Kenneth, Powers That Be & Green Plastic Watering Cans) which is 'The Sharp Hint Of New Tears' a tribute to Dashboard Confessional.

You may have seen 'Sharp Hint...' before as we're frequently featured following the finale of a TKS show (if I happen to be drunk enough at the time); but this time, it will be so much different.

I say "different" because I don't know if it will be "better". There will be a full band for most of the show (which hasn't happened before) including Dave from 'The Starving Artists' on drums, Bryce from 'Average Lime' on bass and (hopefully) Brent from 'The Radical Dudez' on 2nd guitar. It's pretty much the Queen's Super-Band, but instead of feeding African children, we're trying to get girls to like me - that's the premise behind the night.

Also; I, Chris Provan, who will be playing the part of Chris Carrabba, will be sober for the show. This is due to the fact that I can't scream or sing with the passion I might need in some songs whence the dehydration of alcohol has kicked in. I've found that when I'm playing and sitting on my bed for an audience of 1 girl, I can play the Dashboard songs all night. But if you get a few drinks in me (as does happen during a TKS show) my voice quickly dies. So it is for you, my fans, that I will be making this sacrifice.

Please come out. We might be charging cover, but it'll be small. It goes to a good cause. Derek & Dave will be there and, if you're good, I may ask them to help out on a few songs. It'll be like a Khaki Snack secret SciFormal preview show. But the main attraction is definitely 'Sharp Hint'. Thanks for supporting my other creative endeavours!

P.S. Opening for me will be 'The High-Fives' - a great band. They play mostly covers including a lot of kick-ass Radiohead tunes. Not quite as kick-ass as 'Green Plastic Watering Cans' but still pretty kick-ass nonetheless.

YO! Fire Alarm Raps

2005-10-31T15:27:00.000-05:00

I want to speak out on an issue garnering a lot of attention recently: The Canadian Tire Guy. Lately it seems everyone is ragging on him for being "irritating" or "annoying". This guy is awesome. He goes from family to family, playing a jack-of-all-trades father figure, while lending a helping hand to neighbours. He's a hard worker, but is also crafty. He knows a good deal when he sees it, has a solid beard, and is totally comfortable with his greying hair. Come on, this guy is steeped! Anyway, I guess people have been trying to track Ted down(that's his name... pretty good name), but it turns out his contract has a strict no interview clause. Now there's a rumour saying he's gonna be gone in January. I think everyone needs to chill out and find another slimer version of Bob Vila to pick on.

Hey, it's official- Sharp Hint of New Tears is playing this Friday, along with the Hi Fives. You should definitely go to this show-it's gonna be Provan along with a full band. I think it's gonna be a talented band too, which is uncharted territory for Provan.

Here is a picture of Dave and I from grade 12. Not much has changed. We'll be at the Sharp Hint show. You should be too. You should also go to sci formal. Especially if you like the song Hey Jude.

FEAR FEST- a lot like canada's wonderland... only darker

2005-10-30T10:36:00.000-05:00

So last night i went to FEAR Fest at canada's wonderland. imagine trying to find your way around that place during a normal day... now take away all lights. now add teenage girls. now add cellphones and screaming cause the boys all "spook" them. Is it just me or are teenagers WAY more annoying when you're older. Esspecially the groups of girls all in devil horns.... or dressed like angels but you know... black angels ... cause they didn't want to be just another devil. Also this halloween my parents are giving away full sized candy bars. I think this is an attempt to get some kids coming to the door this year... cause last year we had a grand total of like 12. They want to become the 'full sized chocolate bar" house.. you know.. the one you and your friends woudl walk like 10 extra blocks to go to... but sadly i dont' think its going to be effective. the last house with kids moved off my street a few months ago.

On a side note, i recently picked up a job playing guitar in the "Marquee Theatre Company" production of Fiddler on the Roof. apparently when i thought i knew how to play guitar i was wrong. Did you know there was such a thing as 6th chords? then not jsut regular major chords but other ones where they put MAJ beside it to make it extra major... i guess khaki snacks 3 chord repitoire has sort of ruined me... but worst case scenario i'm sure i can fall back on GCD somehow...

also in the future khaki snack will be way more kletzmer.... and have lyrics like "buda budda buda buda buda booo"... and sing about how god didn't make us rich... and he probably did that for a reason... but god... would it really screw things up to make me a wealthy man???

Rock-n-Roll Pizzeria

2005-10-28T13:00:00.000-04:00

Manic depression is sweeping the country. No Arrested Development. A CSI repeat. Finding out that the dude who won a million dollars for kicking the 50 yard field goal has it paid out over 40 years, making it basically 25 000 a year which isn't as exciting as you first thought, though still, obviously, a good thing.

But alas, Friday is upon us, and with it comes the release of The Weather Man. I have been excited for this movie for entirely too long. Then I see this commercial for it with Sir Michael Caine reciting the lyrics to a Devo song. What's not to love?

And this Friday is only the beginning- Next Friday it looks like there is going to be a Sharp Hint of New Tears show. Like...with a band. Made up of real musicians. Along with Provan, I've heard that Dave from the Starving Artists is going to be taking part. I'm not sure exactly who else is involved, but this should be a big party for everyone in the Kingston area. I'm not sure who else is going to be playing the show, but I'd go even just to watch the Chris Provan Variety Hour. Which, by the way, I still think should have been this year's Monday night act. The Chris Provan Variety Hour (featuring jokes). I also want to read Al Franken's newest book.

Furthermore, has anyone else heard that new Madonna song? I've spent a large portion of my time recently on that website listening to it. Great use of Abba. The player also features Die Another Day. I don't care, that is a good song. I wish it had Hollywood in it though. Hollywood is another good Madonna song. So is the remix of What it feels like for a girl. Actually, Madonna, contrary to popular belief, is still wicked good. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Help Save The Youth Of America From Exploding

2005-10-27T18:00:00.000-04:00

Stumbled across this picture today-Four of these people are not my brother. Guess which one is.

Shindo

2005-10-26T16:27:00.000-04:00

Some dude just yelled at me for driving an "import". Apparently, I shouldn't even be able to park here.

I heart the construction industry.

Great American Sharpshooter

2005-10-24T21:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much to everyone who came out to the show, waited in line, and bought a CD. It was a way bigger and better night than we could have anticipated. It was actually pretty fun. My favourite part of the night was when Provan DJ'd to start the show. And after the first chorus of Fallujah, the gentle downward spiral was in full effect. Oh, I do really like Cut the Grass now. I think. But can we stop with the Scatman? I get it, I dance like an idiot. Also, to everyone who bought us shots-thanks...I guess. My mom was relieved to know that I didn't do the lemon-in-the-eye thing, so that was good.

Speaking of mrs. b, you can hear part of a song she wrote for us among the live tracks on our cd. Most of those tracks are from the last two shows we played, with 1 or 2 exceptions. I probably should have spent more time on it, but listening to our shows and finding worthy tidbits is a fairly exhausting chore. Hopefully the cd is at very least a good souvenir, if not a moderately listenable novelty. We definitely learned what never to do again, and hopefully we'll do another one sooner than later.

Anyhow, I'm back in Peterborough. Arrested Development starts up again in two weeks. Until then, the doctor has prescribed me wine & less than jake. Honestly, this band is still the greatest thing going out there. Remember, Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems.

..hello to wasted hours, bottoms up to better days.

i left my heart in the apple country

2005-10-24T10:23:00.000-04:00

Nothing better to do on a delicious fall day than go for a drive in apple country. After our show in Kingston, a lady friend and myself drove the Loyalist Parkway which took us through Ontario's Apple country. We passed orchard after orchard, and i was amazed by the number of apples that grow on a single tree. We perchanced to stop at one to buy some freshly pressed cider. A large man in a plad flannnel shirt greeted us from behind a sorting machine. We walked over to him and asked about getting some cider, but before we could say anything he said .... "oh... looks like we have a spy," as he lifted up a somewhat smaller-than-the-rest apple. We together shared a laugh. The cider he sold us was fresh and delicious.
We drove through old loyalist town after old loyalist town, and the leaves only got more red, yellow and hazle-brown. But no trip to the apple country would be complete without seeing the mother of them all... Colburn's own BIG APPLE. We stopped in for pie and a look at the lamas. They were chewing cud. We were chewing apples. Sometimes a fall day reminds you that we're all part of the same universe, me, you, the lamas, the apples and the cud.

be well my friends....

also derek was supposed to put his "do you like genocide" on the cd... but he "couldn't find it"... so look for the cd re-issue

also if you want a CD and weren't at the show email me... and i'll send you one
messler@hotmail.com

What comes before Part B?

2005-10-21T16:47:00.000-04:00

Part-A.

Tonight.

9pm.

Clark Hall.

Starving Artists.

khaki snack.

free.

cheap cd's/souvenirs.

provan.

heckling.

beer.

gin.

power point slideshow.

be there.

or.

be square.

So I'm pretty happy to be going back to Kingston this weekend. Mostly because of my undying love for Cambodiana. It was pretty much next door to my old girlfriend's apartment...and in 4th year it became a staple of my poor, poor diet. I can't express to you how regularly I would be depressed on Sundays when they closed for the day. Actually, it was about 7 times, but that's a fair bit. I'm most fond of #5, the stir fried chicken. It's not too exotic, but it's so much better than any equivalent dish I've ever had at other thai-ish places. Nathalie's regular was #1. Now I liked it, but was always happy to be sampling it, not having the full meal. The one time I picked some up with the Radical Dudez (local celebrity name drop) they both ordered #4. Apparently that dish is mega popular. Dave varies, but he often goes with a 6 I've noticed... same with my brother, Greg. Provan is a bit of a loose cannon- this one time i saw him rock #12. NUMBER 12! Friend, let me tell you, that is a spicy hot ball of fiery flames.

Tonight I'm going with a 5. Shabba dabba doo.

The Snack Cave

2005-10-20T13:03:00.000-04:00

Well the cd is definitely going to be there tomorrow night. Let me say this much: it's weird. Not in a Frank Zappa way, but more in a "There's as many tracks as there are minutes on the CD" type of way. The cd is gonna be 5 bucks. The show is free.

In other news I'm getting over a cold and a cough. Hopefully I'll be all better by the time tomorrow night rolls around, but there's a possibility that won't be the case. The last time I was really sick at a show Dave made a joke I didn't like and I threw the beer from my martini glass at him. It turns out there was a lot more beer in there than I had realized. Dave was mad. And we stopped playing. And my mom was in the crowd. So it's either gonna be a good show, or a GREAT show.

Yeah.

P.S. Despite no warning sticker, our CD contains some...cussing. So make sure you don't play it in front of young children. Or Dave's family. Thanks.

Adèle Mercier

2005-10-18T15:03:00.000-04:00

Look at this spontaneous photograph! I'll be honest, she's probably a swell gal. But, when local teens get out of hand, she suddenly starts acting like a member of Reagan Youth.

More on Adele Mercier this Friday!

55378008

2005-10-17T17:05:00.000-04:00

This weekend was pretty great. My Dad and I finished 19th in a golf tournament. If there had been more than 19 teams, it would have been a more impressive achievement. The majority of the weekend was then spent trying to put together this CD. Dave and I don't really like each other so it was difficult. It's still not finished but I'm sure it will be by Friday. At 9.

Speaking of which, try to come because it's FREE. I know there are a lot of other options. Radical Dudez and Matt Good are both playing shows in Kingston that night. And I'm sure people will be at Alfie's Molsonotorium. I'll be honest, I don't even want to play the show knowing that Boney M and Bloodhound Gang are also playing shows in Toronto that night. But it's FREE. Starving Artists are going to be there. And we'll have CD's. That's gotta count for something.

Anyhow, I'm excited to play but I think I need to buy new pants, because as of late, it seems everything I own has holes in it. And no one is going to be able to take us seriously if I have a hole in the crotch of my pants.

PS I really do equally love both Bloodhound Gang and Boney M. Luckily I don't have to choose.

This Week in Khaki Snack

2005-10-14T14:07:00.000-04:00

Here's what we've been up recently:
Provan
-Left school early to go down south for NASCAR
-Changed MSN name from simply 'Provan' to a haiku
-Finally used his favourite haiku
13 dollar beer/Exhaust fumes fill my lungs/NASCAR forever

Dave
-Taught ESL
-Used his girlfriend's cell phone to call me long distance
-Explained to his students the pun in "Win, Lose, or Draw"
-Left me a phone message about his vision for a song about John Grisham novels

Derek
- Went to my ex-girlfriend's father's wedding, danced with ex-girlfriend's aunt to Bed of Roses
- Learned that I love weddings. Especially open bar weddings.
- Set up Pizza Pizza ordering account for my office
- Set up personal Pizza Pizza ordering account
- Submitted 5 potential photos for my office tracking profile
- Had all 5 photos immediately rejected

We're going to the Madison tonight. See you there!

Matt Good? Come on.

2005-10-13T18:31:00.000-04:00

Here is a list of things you can do at our show next Friday:

-Listen
-Learn
-Love
-Be loved
-Drink
-Yell
-Boo
-Heckle
-Buy our CD
-Throw our CD
-Use our CD as a coaster, then say "Man, this coaster sucks. There's a hole in the middle. Also, it's kind of slippery. But to be fair, it's more or less getting the job done. I mean, we're in a pub, so I'm not too concerned about the effects of condensation. At home? That's a different story."
-Share
-Touch (Chris)
-Watch
-Make a list
-Eat Nachos
-Think
-Shout songs we won't play
-Note that Dave's jokes have aged to perfection
-Especially the SARS one

More lists coming soon!

Montecore is a Scientologist

2005-10-11T16:50:00.000-04:00

So as I've mentioned before, we're playing at Clark Hall Pub in Kingston on the 21st of October. It was 2 years ago in early October that Roy Horn, of the famed entertainers 'Sigfried and Roy', turned 59. That same day his tiger Montecore bit his head and dragged him off stage. In order to celebrate the day of his birth and epic struggle with near death, and to raise awareness for tiger safety, we've asked the Starving Artists to join us for an evening of edu-tainment. Roy Horn has inspired magicians and magic fans alike with his death defying comeback, and his shocking on-going relationship with friend and attacker, Montecore. We would like nothing more than to honour him by selling a collection of our 'songs' in disc form, tentatively called "Weird Al Qaeda".

While there are many things you could do on a Friday night in Kingston, we ask that you take the time to think of those of us who are less fortunate. And those of us who are specifically less fortunate with human-tiger interaction. We ask you to think of Roy Horn.

Who Cares Wins

2005-10-05T12:45:00.000-04:00

According to this article, which I can only assume is a reliable and trustworthy source, Ricky Gervais is gonna be on Arrested Development. Wow.

Wow.

The fact that the cast offered to pay out of their own pockets to fly him over makes me love this show even more. I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to handle this. If he did a chicken dance.....

Wow.

Roy Horn Awareness Show

2005-10-04T14:07:00.000-04:00

Franklin Comes Alive

2005-10-04T03:06:00.000-04:00

I'm going to say it. Charlize Theron doesn't make me laugh.
Dave Thomas makes me laugh, Scott Baio makes me laugh, even Super Dave makes me laugh...but not this Rita character. I gave them one episode to set her up but it's draggin a bit now-I get it, "Wee Brain". Now make something happen!

Fortunately they brought back the Steve Holt plotline. They gave the guy roofies, video taped him and George Michael in the bathroom, had him make a huge mistake-it was awesome. Analrapist, surrogates, you're kiDDing me buster-the show hits even when it misses.

All in all, I still plan on making this show the best man at my wedding.

PS I'm marrying the garden salad at East Side Mario's.