YO! Fire Alarm Raps

I want to speak out on an issue garnering a lot of attention recently: The Canadian Tire Guy. Lately it seems everyone is ragging on him for being "irritating" or "annoying". This guy is awesome. He goes from family to family, playing a jack-of-all-trades father figure, while lending a helping hand to neighbours. He's a hard worker, but is also crafty. He knows a good deal when he sees it, has a solid beard, and is totally comfortable with his greying hair. Come on, this guy is steeped! Anyway, I guess people have been trying to track Ted down(that's his name... pretty good name), but it turns out his contract has a strict no interview clause. Now there's a rumour saying he's gonna be gone in January. I think everyone needs to chill out and find another slimer version of Bob Vila to pick on.

Hey, it's official- Sharp Hint of New Tears is playing this Friday, along with the Hi Fives. You should definitely go to this show-it's gonna be Provan along with a full band. I think it's gonna be a talented band too, which is uncharted territory for Provan.

Here is a picture of Dave and I from grade 12. Not much has changed. We'll be at the Sharp Hint show. You should be too. You should also go to sci formal. Especially if you like the song Hey Jude.

FEAR FEST- a lot like canada's wonderland... only darker

So last night i went to FEAR Fest at canada's wonderland. imagine trying to find your way around that place during a normal day... now take away all lights. now add teenage girls. now add cellphones and screaming cause the boys all "spook" them. Is it just me or are teenagers WAY more annoying when you're older. Esspecially the groups of girls all in devil horns.... or dressed like angels but you know... black angels ... cause they didn't want to be just another devil. Also this halloween my parents are giving away full sized candy bars. I think this is an attempt to get some kids coming to the door this year... cause last year we had a grand total of like 12. They want to become the 'full sized chocolate bar" house.. you know.. the one you and your friends woudl walk like 10 extra blocks to go to... but sadly i dont' think its going to be effective. the last house with kids moved off my street a few months ago.

On a side note, i recently picked up a job playing guitar in the "Marquee Theatre Company" production of Fiddler on the Roof. apparently when i thought i knew how to play guitar i was wrong. Did you know there was such a thing as 6th chords? then not jsut regular major chords but other ones where they put MAJ beside it to make it extra major... i guess khaki snacks 3 chord repitoire has sort of ruined me... but worst case scenario i'm sure i can fall back on GCD somehow...

also in the future khaki snack will be way more kletzmer.... and have lyrics like "buda budda buda buda buda booo"... and sing about how god didn't make us rich... and he probably did that for a reason... but god... would it really screw things up to make me a wealthy man???

Rock-n-Roll Pizzeria

Manic depression is sweeping the country. No Arrested Development. A CSI repeat. Finding out that the dude who won a million dollars for kicking the 50 yard field goal has it paid out over 40 years, making it basically 25 000 a year which isn't as exciting as you first thought, though still, obviously, a good thing.

But alas, Friday is upon us, and with it comes the release of The Weather Man. I have been excited for this movie for entirely too long. Then I see this commercial for it with Sir Michael Caine reciting the lyrics to a Devo song. What's not to love?

And this Friday is only the beginning- Next Friday it looks like there is going to be a Sharp Hint of New Tears show. Like...with a band. Made up of real musicians. Along with Provan, I've heard that Dave from the Starving Artists is going to be taking part. I'm not sure exactly who else is involved, but this should be a big party for everyone in the Kingston area. I'm not sure who else is going to be playing the show, but I'd go even just to watch the Chris Provan Variety Hour. Which, by the way, I still think should have been this year's Monday night act. The Chris Provan Variety Hour (featuring jokes). I also want to read Al Franken's newest book.

Furthermore, has anyone else heard that new Madonna song? I've spent a large portion of my time recently on that website listening to it. Great use of Abba. The player also features Die Another Day. I don't care, that is a good song. I wish it had Hollywood in it though. Hollywood is another good Madonna song. So is the remix of What it feels like for a girl. Actually, Madonna, contrary to popular belief, is still wicked good. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Help Save The Youth Of America From Exploding

Stumbled across this picture today-Four of these people are not my brother. Guess which one is.

Shindo

Some dude just yelled at me for driving an "import". Apparently, I shouldn't even be able to park here.

I heart the construction industry.

Great American Sharpshooter

Thanks so much to everyone who came out to the show, waited in line, and bought a CD. It was a way bigger and better night than we could have anticipated. It was actually pretty fun. My favourite part of the night was when Provan DJ'd to start the show. And after the first chorus of Fallujah, the gentle downward spiral was in full effect. Oh, I do really like Cut the Grass now. I think. But can we stop with the Scatman? I get it, I dance like an idiot. Also, to everyone who bought us shots-thanks...I guess. My mom was relieved to know that I didn't do the lemon-in-the-eye thing, so that was good.

Speaking of mrs. b, you can hear part of a song she wrote for us among the live tracks on our cd. Most of those tracks are from the last two shows we played, with 1 or 2 exceptions. I probably should have spent more time on it, but listening to our shows and finding worthy tidbits is a fairly exhausting chore. Hopefully the cd is at very least a good souvenir, if not a moderately listenable novelty. We definitely learned what never to do again, and hopefully we'll do another one sooner than later.

Anyhow, I'm back in Peterborough. Arrested Development starts up again in two weeks. Until then, the doctor has prescribed me wine & less than jake. Honestly, this band is still the greatest thing going out there. Remember, Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You've Got Problems.

..hello to wasted hours, bottoms up to better days.

i left my heart in the apple country

Nothing better to do on a delicious fall day than go for a drive in apple country. After our show in Kingston, a lady friend and myself drove the Loyalist Parkway which took us through Ontario's Apple country. We passed orchard after orchard, and i was amazed by the number of apples that grow on a single tree. We perchanced to stop at one to buy some freshly pressed cider. A large man in a plad flannnel shirt greeted us from behind a sorting machine. We walked over to him and asked about getting some cider, but before we could say anything he said .... "oh... looks like we have a spy," as he lifted up a somewhat smaller-than-the-rest apple. We together shared a laugh. The cider he sold us was fresh and delicious.
We drove through old loyalist town after old loyalist town, and the leaves only got more red, yellow and hazle-brown. But no trip to the apple country would be complete without seeing the mother of them all... Colburn's own BIG APPLE. We stopped in for pie and a look at the lamas. They were chewing cud. We were chewing apples. Sometimes a fall day reminds you that we're all part of the same universe, me, you, the lamas, the apples and the cud.

be well my friends....

also derek was supposed to put his "do you like genocide" on the cd... but he "couldn't find it"... so look for the cd re-issue

also if you want a CD and weren't at the show email me... and i'll send you one
messler@hotmail.com

What comes before Part B?

Part-A.

Tonight.

9pm.

Clark Hall.

Starving Artists.

khaki snack.

free.

cheap cd's/souvenirs.

provan.

heckling.

beer.

gin.

power point slideshow.

be there.

or.

be square.



So I'm pretty happy to be going back to Kingston this weekend. Mostly because of my undying love for Cambodiana. It was pretty much next door to my old girlfriend's apartment...and in 4th year it became a staple of my poor, poor diet. I can't express to you how regularly I would be depressed on Sundays when they closed for the day. Actually, it was about 7 times, but that's a fair bit. I'm most fond of #5, the stir fried chicken. It's not too exotic, but it's so much better than any equivalent dish I've ever had at other thai-ish places. Nathalie's regular was #1. Now I liked it, but was always happy to be sampling it, not having the full meal. The one time I picked some up with the Radical Dudez (local celebrity name drop) they both ordered #4. Apparently that dish is mega popular. Dave varies, but he often goes with a 6 I've noticed... same with my brother, Greg. Provan is a bit of a loose cannon- this one time i saw him rock #12. NUMBER 12! Friend, let me tell you, that is a spicy hot ball of fiery flames.

Tonight I'm going with a 5. Shabba dabba doo.

The Snack Cave

Well the cd is definitely going to be there tomorrow night. Let me say this much: it's weird. Not in a Frank Zappa way, but more in a "There's as many tracks as there are minutes on the CD" type of way. The cd is gonna be 5 bucks. The show is free.

In other news I'm getting over a cold and a cough. Hopefully I'll be all better by the time tomorrow night rolls around, but there's a possibility that won't be the case. The last time I was really sick at a show Dave made a joke I didn't like and I threw the beer from my martini glass at him. It turns out there was a lot more beer in there than I had realized. Dave was mad. And we stopped playing. And my mom was in the crowd. So it's either gonna be a good show, or a GREAT show.

Yeah.

P.S. Despite no warning sticker, our CD contains some...cussing. So make sure you don't play it in front of young children. Or Dave's family. Thanks.

Adèle Mercier

Look at this spontaneous photograph! I'll be honest, she's probably a swell gal. But, when local teens get out of hand, she suddenly starts acting like a member of Reagan Youth.

More on Adele Mercier this Friday!

55378008

This weekend was pretty great. My Dad and I finished 19th in a golf tournament. If there had been more than 19 teams, it would have been a more impressive achievement. The majority of the weekend was then spent trying to put together this CD. Dave and I don't really like each other so it was difficult. It's still not finished but I'm sure it will be by Friday. At 9.

Speaking of which, try to come because it's FREE. I know there are a lot of other options. Radical Dudez and Matt Good are both playing shows in Kingston that night. And I'm sure people will be at Alfie's Molsonotorium. I'll be honest, I don't even want to play the show knowing that Boney M and Bloodhound Gang are also playing shows in Toronto that night. But it's FREE. Starving Artists are going to be there. And we'll have CD's. That's gotta count for something.

Anyhow, I'm excited to play but I think I need to buy new pants, because as of late, it seems everything I own has holes in it. And no one is going to be able to take us seriously if I have a hole in the crotch of my pants.

PS I really do equally love both Bloodhound Gang and Boney M. Luckily I don't have to choose.

This Week in Khaki Snack

Here's what we've been up recently:
Provan
-Left school early to go down south for NASCAR
-Changed MSN name from simply 'Provan' to a haiku
-Finally used his favourite haiku
13 dollar beer/Exhaust fumes fill my lungs/NASCAR forever

Dave
-Taught ESL
-Used his girlfriend's cell phone to call me long distance
-Explained to his students the pun in "Win, Lose, or Draw"
-Left me a phone message about his vision for a song about John Grisham novels

Derek
- Went to my ex-girlfriend's father's wedding, danced with ex-girlfriend's aunt to Bed of Roses
- Learned that I love weddings. Especially open bar weddings.
- Set up Pizza Pizza ordering account for my office
- Set up personal Pizza Pizza ordering account
- Submitted 5 potential photos for my office tracking profile
- Had all 5 photos immediately rejected

We're going to the Madison tonight. See you there!

Matt Good? Come on.

Here is a list of things you can do at our show next Friday:

-Listen
-Learn
-Love
-Be loved
-Drink
-Yell
-Boo
-Heckle
-Buy our CD
-Throw our CD
-Use our CD as a coaster, then say "Man, this coaster sucks. There's a hole in the middle. Also, it's kind of slippery. But to be fair, it's more or less getting the job done. I mean, we're in a pub, so I'm not too concerned about the effects of condensation. At home? That's a different story."
-Share
-Touch (Chris)
-Watch
-Make a list
-Eat Nachos
-Think
-Shout songs we won't play
-Note that Dave's jokes have aged to perfection
-Especially the SARS one

More lists coming soon!

Montecore is a Scientologist

So as I've mentioned before, we're playing at Clark Hall Pub in Kingston on the 21st of October. It was 2 years ago in early October that Roy Horn, of the famed entertainers 'Sigfried and Roy', turned 59. That same day his tiger Montecore bit his head and dragged him off stage. In order to celebrate the day of his birth and epic struggle with near death, and to raise awareness for tiger safety, we've asked the Starving Artists to join us for an evening of edu-tainment. Roy Horn has inspired magicians and magic fans alike with his death defying comeback, and his shocking on-going relationship with friend and attacker, Montecore. We would like nothing more than to honour him by selling a collection of our 'songs' in disc form, tentatively called "Weird Al Qaeda".

While there are many things you could do on a Friday night in Kingston, we ask that you take the time to think of those of us who are less fortunate. And those of us who are specifically less fortunate with human-tiger interaction. We ask you to think of Roy Horn.

Who Cares Wins

According to this article, which I can only assume is a reliable and trustworthy source, Ricky Gervais is gonna be on Arrested Development. Wow.

Wow.

The fact that the cast offered to pay out of their own pockets to fly him over makes me love this show even more. I'll be honest, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to handle this. If he did a chicken dance.....


Wow.

Roy Horn Awareness Show

Franklin Comes Alive

I'm going to say it. Charlize Theron doesn't make me laugh.
Dave Thomas makes me laugh, Scott Baio makes me laugh, even Super Dave makes me laugh...but not this Rita character. I gave them one episode to set her up but it's draggin a bit now-I get it, "Wee Brain". Now make something happen!

Fortunately they brought back the Steve Holt plotline. They gave the guy roofies, video taped him and George Michael in the bathroom, had him make a huge mistake-it was awesome. Analrapist, surrogates, you're kiDDing me buster-the show hits even when it misses.

All in all, I still plan on making this show the best man at my wedding.

PS I'm marrying the garden salad at East Side Mario's.

Only the good die young

The provinces of Canada are fun to remember.